Just once it would amaze me if my life went smoothly. It never does. If you keep up with my FB blab then you know that since I discovered that cowboy boots keep my feet and tendons in one piece, I have been actively looking for work. I found an advertisement for an LPN instructor on the Internet with Antonelli College right here in Jackson. I was really excited about it. I had the requirements for the job and I really LOVE to TEACH.
After a very POSITIVE, as in one of the most Affirming interviews I ever had, I did a mock teach and was offered the job.
RED FLAG #1 they didn't offer me the job they advertised for. They said the LPN program wasn't ready yet would I teach anatomy and physiology until it is ready. I would be offered a full time faculty job when that happened. To tell you the truth I was a bit stunned. No one said anything about anatomy until they said they wanted to hire me. BECAUSE I really want to teach nursing I thought it would be OK. I did alright in my science classes. I didn't get A's but a B in those courses is good. They also told me that the level I would be teaching was not nearly as difficult it would be for medical assistants, and massage therapy students. They also promised a lot of help and support.
RED FLAG #2 YOu start on Monday. Where is my book? We don't have one. Where is my teacher guide? Zip nada. Where is the answer key? Zip.....OMG what a set up for failure.
NEXT!!!
RED FLAG #3 remember 3 strikes your out?
Their corporate head quarters has decided to make Anatomy 2 into 2 courses. Their are only 7 chapters for that section. In a 2 or 4 year college Anatomy is covered in one semester. This school is dragging it out into 3 terms of 8 weeks. For the Anatomy 3 class we are to spend 3 hours twice a week on 20 pages of material. There is no lab. There is a lab book for Physiology with a DVD but it has not been connected by IT. They change their passwords almost daily so no one can use anything on their personal computer. There is no way to actually teach this portion of the class but it is on the syllabus and the students want to know why they had to pay for this! OF COurSE they do!!!!! DUH!!!!! Next RED flag #4..... corporate those people whose job it is to screw up the working peoples jobs have changed the book. They have changed the picture of the book on the syllabus but not the actual syllabus. The syllabus which dictates everything done in the class does not match the book in any way shape or form. The DVD with the power point also does not match. I went through the syllabus and the book and wrote in the right chapter numbers and pages and made some suggestions for additional chapters to cover.....BECAUSE WE WERE TO DO 3 CHAPTERS IN 8 WEEKS.
I KNOW I just said that. Do you like to hear things repeated? How about if you are paying good money to go to school and show up to class for the second session and HEAR the same lecture again?
TOTAL MUTINY! Some of the kids packed up and left. Some asked why I was treating them like retards. They LOOKED at the syllabus and saw that next week was the same chapter another 2 times and went and had a hissy fit to the president of this college. Who is a rattle snake in disguise. OK This is where we take a breath.....
Today was the first day that went well. I actually learned how to use the grade keeper, the test generator, and enter attendance in the computer. My Anatomy 1 students really liked me. That they gave me TWO different areas of Anatomy to teach with no notice or preparation or MATERIALS was not lost on me. AFTER the mutiny I lost it. I mean I really lost it. I let my assessment of this disaster be known on no uncertain terms. AS in, "this is a total set up for failure and I have lost all credibility with these students because of this total lack of organization!!!" If you know me in real life you know I am a passionate person. I have a strong sense of justice. I can be incredibly vocal about injustice. To me it is obvious that these students are being exploited to make the college money. They are producing a lousy product. This entire fiasco was not my fault. I was doing good to come back. After the first day with no book and getting thrown under the bus I wanted to run.
I WENT BACK because I really want to teach nursing. I want to inspire nurses to care to do the right thing not the easy thing. To be their patients advocate and solve problems not just let it slide and do nothing. To lift the covers and really check their patients out and not just use their stethoscope in 3 spots feel a pulse and call it DONE. I want to teach nurses to SEE.
The good part to the story is..... I made a friend. The dean just loved me. He has been a principal of elementary school children. He loved how I told him about teaching my granddaughter to write in a cookie sheet of pudding, because she was so hyper she wouldn't hold a pencil. He loved how I think out of the box and problem solve. He wants to stay in touch. I have never been let down nicer. I think it really broke his heart that she wanted to terminate me in my first week after not even giving me a fair chance to succeed. She had the audacity to ask me to come back for the LPN program, which I said I was absolutely NOT interested in. RU FREAKIN insane? SERIOUSLY???????
So here I am a little bruised for the wear but not defeated. The dean was so kind. He told me, "YOU HAVE GOT THIS YoU ARE A NATURAL BORN TEACHER DON'T QUIT!"
Which made me thank God and tear up because I hung in there when I didn't want too and just when I thought I could do it she cut me. Even when someone is nice it hurts. I was willing to hang in there. I was willing to work on my own time to prepare for two classes without any notice, to get to where I wanted to go.
It's their loss. I'm embarrassed for posting it to the whole world, I never dreamed it would be like this.
This is real life though isn't it? I went in to work this morning thinking this verse, "Faith is the evidence of things hoped for but not yet seen." My Jesus loves me and HE has something better. Some time in the near future something will happen and this will all click. We will look back and see why I had this little trial by fire, AND God will turn it into something good.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
Mama Please Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys
Last month we went to Texas for two weeks up in the hill country to visit my brother.
I probably have enough blog material from that trip for 6 posts if I'd get busy and write them. We saw a rattlesnake show, really, and cowboys---the gen-u-ine deal.....
Of course he thought I was nuts, in true cowboy fashion he just tipped his hat and smiled.
as in OMG what a lucky shot!!!
The cowboys call it horsey po#n
But the day wasn't over because we left this ranch to go back to another one. My brother and my SIL live on a ranch and also have horses, three to be exact.
We had the time of our lives, two weeks out in God's country and I have more stories to tell so....I'll be back!
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
ART for Africa day
I haven't made any art myself in years. It sounded like so much fun though!
It's helping me a lot too.
So tell me do I have any potential as an artist? I've already quit my day job so you can be frank. HA!
If you want to bid on anything got to Elysa's blog and let her know!!
See you soon.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Crossroads Hypothetically Speaking
I have piles of old shirts and fabrics. What I need is some enthusiasm about living life and get some creative juices from out of my head and into action. I was looking on line today at recycling old shirts and clothes and redyeing them into something special.
It's an interesting idea, redyeing something. I'd like to try it. Instead of looking for pretty fabrics I could look for anything in the fiber wanted and then make it into something pretty.
I'm still thinking about what to do to earn some money. Thinking doesn't accomplish much, doing does. But what to do? That is the question.
I think sometimes when there are too many options and too many distractions that it becomes hard to focus on one path and just start walking it. Cross roads are like that. There are a lot of paths facing me. Would I like to go back to school and be a nurse practitioner? Yes, but the funds is an issue and so is the work. There are a huge questions around that whole issue.
What about writing? Well I do my writing for free. My spelling, typing, grammar, punctuation is atrocious. People have said I should write a book but I don't have an idea for a book. There are a lot of questions about that too, like marketing.
The path of an artist. I have always been attracted to this. I am artistic but can I do something people will want to buy? What about the economy? Is anyone out there not on rice and beans like we are?
Truthful questions. I see the Etsy shops, but do items sell? What sells? That is the question all of America is asking right now, not just me.
Today I am thinking about the recycled aprons. How appealing are they? Hypothetically would you buy one if you saw it on Etsy? What would you pay for one? I made so many at Christmas and didn't take pictures which is a bummer, but you get the idea. So I ask you what does the survey say?
It's an interesting idea, redyeing something. I'd like to try it. Instead of looking for pretty fabrics I could look for anything in the fiber wanted and then make it into something pretty.
I'm still thinking about what to do to earn some money. Thinking doesn't accomplish much, doing does. But what to do? That is the question.
I think sometimes when there are too many options and too many distractions that it becomes hard to focus on one path and just start walking it. Cross roads are like that. There are a lot of paths facing me. Would I like to go back to school and be a nurse practitioner? Yes, but the funds is an issue and so is the work. There are a huge questions around that whole issue.
What about writing? Well I do my writing for free. My spelling, typing, grammar, punctuation is atrocious. People have said I should write a book but I don't have an idea for a book. There are a lot of questions about that too, like marketing.
The path of an artist. I have always been attracted to this. I am artistic but can I do something people will want to buy? What about the economy? Is anyone out there not on rice and beans like we are?
Truthful questions. I see the Etsy shops, but do items sell? What sells? That is the question all of America is asking right now, not just me.
Today I am thinking about the recycled aprons. How appealing are they? Hypothetically would you buy one if you saw it on Etsy? What would you pay for one? I made so many at Christmas and didn't take pictures which is a bummer, but you get the idea. So I ask you what does the survey say?
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Stretching.
Where is hope? Life has been so full of other families, other people, arms reaching out for some help, comfort and understanding. I'll never get used to watching old couples part as the first one to die leaves. I realize as I watch his small face with drooping eyelids blurry with tears and sorrow, how he almost stumbles to her empty shell to say farewell; that this is my biggest fear.
We aren't supposed to have fear if we have faith, but I do. I used to be independent, once upon a time long ago. There was a time that I hung onto it fiercely with defiance, it's my way or the highway.
Not anymore, now it's our way. Our marriage is a three fold cord not easily broken. We are us wrapped up with God and Jesus is always here. The Holy Spirit teaches, leads, fills, and comforts, so why do I hang onto this fear? Fear of the unravelling cord, of being the one left, the unkown of how to go back when you can never go back and the future imagined is a lake of tears.
For years I have asked that we die together because I don't want that lesson in pain.
Watching my friend, as his heart breaks, my heart hurts for him. I hear that quiet voice in myself, "Do you trust me?" Yes Lord, I do. and that is all.
I don't know what the future holds. I only know that I want to keep on this path of letting go. You see I am insatiable. There is never enough stuff. There is never enough pretty clothes, shoes, furniture, trinkets, nice cars, better houses, never never enough. As soon as one pretty bauble is slightly old it loses it's luster and is discarded for another just out of reach and it is sheer misery.
Learning to walk by faith however is the opposite, it is scary, exciting and always amazing when what I hoped for and thought about comes my way. I know it isn't happen chance it is provision. When I have resisted spending money on a new bed quilt and it is given to me. Even prettier than imagined and the sheets I actually needed were a Christmas gift this year and so unexpected. When the dog I love and struggled so much with and for, to keep and train and could not do it enough or right; finds a perfect home, and I was not looking. When God brings the family to your door and they are perfect and kind and this serious dog cannot stop wagging his tail at them and my heart breaks watching him fall in love with someone else, at the same time being thankful that it is just this way.
Learning with the Daniel fast that food addictions can be broken and bodies can feel better.
Seeing that needs are met if patience can hold out long enough to allow God to do what He will do. When I let him drive the car of my life and quit saying turn left here and just go for the ride. Stretching, growing and the fear of being left behind and not knowing what to do is less than it was, realizing it is a journey and grace is given when we need it. Believing that eternal arms are really there to lean on.
Because as I am turning lose of my life as I have fashioned it, with the things I have clung to, I realize this makes me mobile and available. Who knows I may end up with a back pack in another country at some point in the future; but the point is it doesn't matter where or when. I am already on the journey.
As I have pondered Jesus life, something very obvious has become clear to me. I admit I can be slow but it sometimes the simplest things right under our noses that are the easiest to miss. Jesus didn't minister from a high and lofty place. He came down here and dwelt among us. He didn't even have a house. He just had the clothes on his back and he went among the people who needed him, and who were those? People most of us don't want to hang with, dirty, messy screwed up sick people. Jesus lived like a street person a bum, and he ministered to the unlovely and the messy. HE came for people like me.
We really can't make a difference from far away we have to be with. We have to live with and walk with, be there. If we really want to be like Him and live like Him then we have to be willing to be led into anything.
I need Him and I want Him. I want more of Him. More trust less fear, more faith less doubt, more life less waste, more peace, more hope, more kindness, more goodness, more self control, more generosity, more meaning, more touching, more giving, more of the only life that satisfies me, sharing who set me free.
You see I am still insatiable but what I want now brings life giving hope not frustration. Freely pouring out my life and talents for mercies sake has a joy no paycheck can give. Being able to spend as much time as I need to without parameters, that is freedom.
Doing all as unto Jesus, pure joy.
We aren't supposed to have fear if we have faith, but I do. I used to be independent, once upon a time long ago. There was a time that I hung onto it fiercely with defiance, it's my way or the highway.
Not anymore, now it's our way. Our marriage is a three fold cord not easily broken. We are us wrapped up with God and Jesus is always here. The Holy Spirit teaches, leads, fills, and comforts, so why do I hang onto this fear? Fear of the unravelling cord, of being the one left, the unkown of how to go back when you can never go back and the future imagined is a lake of tears.
For years I have asked that we die together because I don't want that lesson in pain.
Watching my friend, as his heart breaks, my heart hurts for him. I hear that quiet voice in myself, "Do you trust me?" Yes Lord, I do. and that is all.
I don't know what the future holds. I only know that I want to keep on this path of letting go. You see I am insatiable. There is never enough stuff. There is never enough pretty clothes, shoes, furniture, trinkets, nice cars, better houses, never never enough. As soon as one pretty bauble is slightly old it loses it's luster and is discarded for another just out of reach and it is sheer misery.
Learning to walk by faith however is the opposite, it is scary, exciting and always amazing when what I hoped for and thought about comes my way. I know it isn't happen chance it is provision. When I have resisted spending money on a new bed quilt and it is given to me. Even prettier than imagined and the sheets I actually needed were a Christmas gift this year and so unexpected. When the dog I love and struggled so much with and for, to keep and train and could not do it enough or right; finds a perfect home, and I was not looking. When God brings the family to your door and they are perfect and kind and this serious dog cannot stop wagging his tail at them and my heart breaks watching him fall in love with someone else, at the same time being thankful that it is just this way.
Learning with the Daniel fast that food addictions can be broken and bodies can feel better.
Seeing that needs are met if patience can hold out long enough to allow God to do what He will do. When I let him drive the car of my life and quit saying turn left here and just go for the ride. Stretching, growing and the fear of being left behind and not knowing what to do is less than it was, realizing it is a journey and grace is given when we need it. Believing that eternal arms are really there to lean on.
Because as I am turning lose of my life as I have fashioned it, with the things I have clung to, I realize this makes me mobile and available. Who knows I may end up with a back pack in another country at some point in the future; but the point is it doesn't matter where or when. I am already on the journey.
As I have pondered Jesus life, something very obvious has become clear to me. I admit I can be slow but it sometimes the simplest things right under our noses that are the easiest to miss. Jesus didn't minister from a high and lofty place. He came down here and dwelt among us. He didn't even have a house. He just had the clothes on his back and he went among the people who needed him, and who were those? People most of us don't want to hang with, dirty, messy screwed up sick people. Jesus lived like a street person a bum, and he ministered to the unlovely and the messy. HE came for people like me.
We really can't make a difference from far away we have to be with. We have to live with and walk with, be there. If we really want to be like Him and live like Him then we have to be willing to be led into anything.
I need Him and I want Him. I want more of Him. More trust less fear, more faith less doubt, more life less waste, more peace, more hope, more kindness, more goodness, more self control, more generosity, more meaning, more touching, more giving, more of the only life that satisfies me, sharing who set me free.
You see I am still insatiable but what I want now brings life giving hope not frustration. Freely pouring out my life and talents for mercies sake has a joy no paycheck can give. Being able to spend as much time as I need to without parameters, that is freedom.
Doing all as unto Jesus, pure joy.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Reflecting in the Deep.
Does your head ever swim with questions? Mine does. I have been noticing the passage of time with other bloggers that I have been reading for a long time now, five, six years. Babies are children, little children are bigger children, and soon those bigger children will be off living their lives and a whole new set of blogging stories will follow.
Noticing that caused me to reflect on the beginning of my blog. I had just come back from my first mission trip to Colombia, it was one of those life changing, "aha" experiences. I came back knowing without a doubt how rich we are here. We have so much, such an excess of material goods. We have clothes that get thrown away with tags on them. Clothes that get tossed because they aren't in fashion anymore, or in my case because I have outgrown them. Outgrowing clothes at my age is also excess, a sign of abundance. We have so much food so many choices. How many kinds of cereal can they make? I saw so many children in one item of clothing or a pair of underwear. When you see in real life people who have little or nothing this waste we participate in is ugly, it indicts the conscience.
When is the last time you had to make a purchase of something important like a washer or dryer, a computer , or a TV, how complicated is THAT? When my washer died it was so overwhelming I bought another one just like mine, second hand. Don't get me wrong I had been waiting a long time to get a new fancy machine. Washing machines are like the cereal isle on steroids. I just tilted. No comprende. I'm thankful that I didn't purchase a fancy machine, the $100 second hand Maytag has been working fine now for years. The goal is clean clothes, right?
As I look back I can see that God started something in Colombia that didn't end when I came home. Two other mission trips later, God closed the door on short term trips and I sat down to wonder. When I stopped being able to work at the hospital I was totally confused. Wasn't I living a good godly life? Slowly God has been revealing to me that my life itself is a mission trip.
"We are supernatural beings living in a natural world". Someone smarter than me said that. I can't remember who but I remember what was said. We are on a journey, an adventure and so much like little hobbits we choose to love our comforts and homes; or step out the door and go on an adventure. There really are adventures everywhere around us. What I'm finding is my adventures are not glamorous or exciting but they are important. When I wake up and give the Lord my day he brings people into my life that need something that I can give. Lately God has been using every skill I possess. I was so busy for awhile that I asked for some rest and received it. BUT even as I rested a part of me did not want the rest; the part that knew I was missing something wonderful.
Today I chose not to rest. It was really cold out and that actually was a deterrent, did I want to go out and get chilly? Then the small inner voice won, "GO." Sometimes it is just that simple. Like the Nike shoe ad, "just do it."
I went down to the inner city of Jackson, our ghetto. I went to be a part of Hands &Feet, the clothing ministry and after that the Bible study. I went to meet with whoever God wanted me to meet. I went to smile and share love. I went to hug and to touch. I went to give.
I was paired with a young mother who just lost her little infant son to SIDS.
When I learned it was her, my breath snatched and my heart grabbed hard in my chest with the hurt of it. As we shopped together I gently asked her about her life. She told me about her little girl and we picked some cute things for her. I asked her about herself and she said she was just trying to hang on. That's when I told her that I knew of her little one. I asked her about her feelings and thoughts.
I told her about our baby. My first little grandson that was 4 months old and died at Christmas. My precious little boy that was shared with me every day of his sweet life. I had given him his first bath. I held him and loved him every single day of his life except for his last. I know about second guessing and driving yourself crazy with "what ifs." We talked and really shared. I know she knew I really cared about her. That I knew first hand what aching arms are, how you wake up and your first thoughts are confused like a bad dream that this can't be real, but it is. Then your eyes that are red and swollen and sore from crying squeeze out fresh tears and they sting, but you cannot help it, that river of tears seems like it will never dry up.
I share that my Joshua would be 24 and that when I cried for her Leroy, it was crying for Joshua and somehow I have kept on, but there will always be tears for him. He was the firstborn, born in our home, cradled in our arms, and fully loved with all our hearts. Other babies did not replace him. Other babies brought their own joys, but their is no replacement for a unique created being.
I like to imagine that my mother cares for Joshua in heaven. My mom was such a great baby lady. After being angry with God and feeling like he had given me too much, it finally came down to that simple idea. Please God let my mama hold my baby. Once I imagined him in her arms comforting as they are and all the kisses and cooing he would have and his little smiles back at her, it began to heal my heart. We all have our own way of dealing with grief. I needed a picture to replace the last picture. I could not let holding that little lifeless body be my last thoughts. Losing a baby is an opportunity to go insane. That door opens and with just a little nudge one can step inside and just let go. It takes effort to resist, reality is a painful intolerable place full of questions and sorrow. I don't wish it on anyone. If you can judge me and say that Jesus should have been enough then I forgive you, you have not lost a baby. We cannot say what is enough for someone. Our grief is our own, it is unique and shared and a journey we must travel through. There is no safe escape. Ultimately God is enough but at the time it is a struggle.
What good can come of something like this? Why does God let this happen?
Well, God is God and he knows more than I can even begin to wonder at. I'm not being trite, I can't explain it. I can only share my own story and say that I had to have simple answers. I really didn't care about the answers to the human condition. I wanted to remain sane and I needed something simple to hold onto, something real. I found those answers in Jesus.
What I do know is that God never wastes our suffering. If we allow it he will use it to comfort others. If we allow it he will use it to deepen our faith and show us more about who we are and who he is. Because I have walked in that valley I will walk with this young mother as far as she wishes. I will walk as shallowly or as deeply as she needs. If my wounds need to reopen to bleed with hers I will do it, because I know, they are already bleeding.
Every day isn't like this, digging deeply into life's hurts, but each encounter has given me a keen awareness of the Lords hand upon my life. By simply being available he has been directing me all over this town. He places someone on my mind and I call them= they have a need I can fill. Or a friend will know someone who they want me to talk too, and on it goes. Life can be so full on mission. We are all on mission, we just don't live that way. We are all created with a plan for our lives, a custom plan by God himself with a purpose, a future and HOPE. It's so awesome and from day to day more gets taken and more gets added and nothing feels the same. As I look back and reflect and question, I wonder what has taken me so long? How much longer is it going to take?
What I do know is God is faithful and good and HE is not finished with me yet.
Noticing that caused me to reflect on the beginning of my blog. I had just come back from my first mission trip to Colombia, it was one of those life changing, "aha" experiences. I came back knowing without a doubt how rich we are here. We have so much, such an excess of material goods. We have clothes that get thrown away with tags on them. Clothes that get tossed because they aren't in fashion anymore, or in my case because I have outgrown them. Outgrowing clothes at my age is also excess, a sign of abundance. We have so much food so many choices. How many kinds of cereal can they make? I saw so many children in one item of clothing or a pair of underwear. When you see in real life people who have little or nothing this waste we participate in is ugly, it indicts the conscience.
When is the last time you had to make a purchase of something important like a washer or dryer, a computer , or a TV, how complicated is THAT? When my washer died it was so overwhelming I bought another one just like mine, second hand. Don't get me wrong I had been waiting a long time to get a new fancy machine. Washing machines are like the cereal isle on steroids. I just tilted. No comprende. I'm thankful that I didn't purchase a fancy machine, the $100 second hand Maytag has been working fine now for years. The goal is clean clothes, right?
As I look back I can see that God started something in Colombia that didn't end when I came home. Two other mission trips later, God closed the door on short term trips and I sat down to wonder. When I stopped being able to work at the hospital I was totally confused. Wasn't I living a good godly life? Slowly God has been revealing to me that my life itself is a mission trip.
"We are supernatural beings living in a natural world". Someone smarter than me said that. I can't remember who but I remember what was said. We are on a journey, an adventure and so much like little hobbits we choose to love our comforts and homes; or step out the door and go on an adventure. There really are adventures everywhere around us. What I'm finding is my adventures are not glamorous or exciting but they are important. When I wake up and give the Lord my day he brings people into my life that need something that I can give. Lately God has been using every skill I possess. I was so busy for awhile that I asked for some rest and received it. BUT even as I rested a part of me did not want the rest; the part that knew I was missing something wonderful.
I went down to the inner city of Jackson, our ghetto. I went to be a part of Hands &Feet, the clothing ministry and after that the Bible study. I went to meet with whoever God wanted me to meet. I went to smile and share love. I went to hug and to touch. I went to give.
I was paired with a young mother who just lost her little infant son to SIDS.
When I learned it was her, my breath snatched and my heart grabbed hard in my chest with the hurt of it. As we shopped together I gently asked her about her life. She told me about her little girl and we picked some cute things for her. I asked her about herself and she said she was just trying to hang on. That's when I told her that I knew of her little one. I asked her about her feelings and thoughts.
I told her about our baby. My first little grandson that was 4 months old and died at Christmas. My precious little boy that was shared with me every day of his sweet life. I had given him his first bath. I held him and loved him every single day of his life except for his last. I know about second guessing and driving yourself crazy with "what ifs." We talked and really shared. I know she knew I really cared about her. That I knew first hand what aching arms are, how you wake up and your first thoughts are confused like a bad dream that this can't be real, but it is. Then your eyes that are red and swollen and sore from crying squeeze out fresh tears and they sting, but you cannot help it, that river of tears seems like it will never dry up.
I share that my Joshua would be 24 and that when I cried for her Leroy, it was crying for Joshua and somehow I have kept on, but there will always be tears for him. He was the firstborn, born in our home, cradled in our arms, and fully loved with all our hearts. Other babies did not replace him. Other babies brought their own joys, but their is no replacement for a unique created being.
I like to imagine that my mother cares for Joshua in heaven. My mom was such a great baby lady. After being angry with God and feeling like he had given me too much, it finally came down to that simple idea. Please God let my mama hold my baby. Once I imagined him in her arms comforting as they are and all the kisses and cooing he would have and his little smiles back at her, it began to heal my heart. We all have our own way of dealing with grief. I needed a picture to replace the last picture. I could not let holding that little lifeless body be my last thoughts. Losing a baby is an opportunity to go insane. That door opens and with just a little nudge one can step inside and just let go. It takes effort to resist, reality is a painful intolerable place full of questions and sorrow. I don't wish it on anyone. If you can judge me and say that Jesus should have been enough then I forgive you, you have not lost a baby. We cannot say what is enough for someone. Our grief is our own, it is unique and shared and a journey we must travel through. There is no safe escape. Ultimately God is enough but at the time it is a struggle.
What good can come of something like this? Why does God let this happen?
Well, God is God and he knows more than I can even begin to wonder at. I'm not being trite, I can't explain it. I can only share my own story and say that I had to have simple answers. I really didn't care about the answers to the human condition. I wanted to remain sane and I needed something simple to hold onto, something real. I found those answers in Jesus.
What I do know is that God never wastes our suffering. If we allow it he will use it to comfort others. If we allow it he will use it to deepen our faith and show us more about who we are and who he is. Because I have walked in that valley I will walk with this young mother as far as she wishes. I will walk as shallowly or as deeply as she needs. If my wounds need to reopen to bleed with hers I will do it, because I know, they are already bleeding.
Every day isn't like this, digging deeply into life's hurts, but each encounter has given me a keen awareness of the Lords hand upon my life. By simply being available he has been directing me all over this town. He places someone on my mind and I call them= they have a need I can fill. Or a friend will know someone who they want me to talk too, and on it goes. Life can be so full on mission. We are all on mission, we just don't live that way. We are all created with a plan for our lives, a custom plan by God himself with a purpose, a future and HOPE. It's so awesome and from day to day more gets taken and more gets added and nothing feels the same. As I look back and reflect and question, I wonder what has taken me so long? How much longer is it going to take?
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