Big Storms and Little Ha Ha's

Zowie we had a whopper of a thunderstorm last night. I don't usually worry about them and just go on about my business. At 4am we had a thunderbolt that shook the whole house, those rattle my chains. Soooooo I turned on the TV to see what was up and the weather channel was looking ominous for us. I looked outside and it was still and quiet with that scary eerie light. Now my nerves are really wadded into a twist. I woke my husband up, never an easy task. Men who have spent time in the military are jumpy prospects to rouse from sleep. After he,"WHAAA?' I asked him if we should wake the girls and hangout in the downstairs bathroom; because the weather channel said so. My husband does not worry about the weather ever. His answer was his usual, he was trying to sleep. Wrapping his arm around me he asked,"does that feel better"? Actually I was still so cotton pickin nervous that I could flip cartwheels for the first time in my life. However, I said,"Alright we won't wake them up". By then it was almost 4:30am and the tornado warning had moved down the road. Needless to say, I did not go back to sleep before my alarm went off at 5:30but my husband did. Maybe some day we will blow away in a storm but he'll sleep through it. I thought about every possible scenario of what might happen. If we all blew out of the house, how far would we fly, and where we might land. Including the whole dead or alive thing. Dying quickly would be OK, it's the being broken up and suffering part that does me in. All of my anxiety was for nothing we didn't even loose a shingle off the roof.
The Lord smiled on my nerves and loss of sleep by providing me with a very laid back day at work. Don't get the wrong idea, my job is a bo-hiney buster, but every now and then we actually have time to sit down and gab. Several of us were sitting in the break room talking just about everything.
One of our agency nurses was really funny. She didn't feel well. She reminded me so much of myself that I couldn't help but laugh. First she felt sick, then she was starving. She was telling us how she keeps her place so-so, you know, a no trash in the bathroom garbage can because it's just for looks. When she said that she bought eggs and milk to decorate her refrigerator I lost it. "I buy them to make my refrigerator look normal like everybody else and then throw it out when it goes bad." "You buy milk at $4.00 a jug for looks?" another nurse quipped. Totally cracking up I asked her,"why not put the empty cartons in there if it's just for decorations". "That's a good idea, she said I never thought of that".
After another comment or two she sighed and said, " I'm just starving I wanta a hamburger". A different nurse stated,"Your a mess". We were all laughing and she was a great sport about it. I decided at this point to top it off with, "I have a pain in my head". Which got everybody howling again. Maybe you had to be there but we had a good time. Our friend the mess drifted into conversations about hot flashes. She isn't very old but she already has them, more giggles. We began reminiscing about our childhood into womanhood days. I hated it. When my mom told me the awful truth about "menstruation" I just looked at her mortified. Waiting for her to go ahead and tell me that, no this really was a bad joke. When she pulled out the kotex and the belt with the two hookie thingies I thought my life was over and hell was real. This was a dirty rotten gip! Here this happy go lucky kid that loved her corduroy pants and PF Flyer tennie shoes was strapped into this ridiculous "training bra" (training for what?)and now this kotex mess. Horrors. This was not my idea of a wonderful life. It was no great emotional high to become a woman, it was a stinking gip. Mom did not choose this moment to tell me about sex and orgasms. In fact she never did mention that, except for having babies, more trauma. At the first sign of a pubic hair I nearly lost my mind, here comes the kotex! When the nightmare of "periods" began those lousy things were itchy. I hated anything that itched. At the tender age of 5, I busted out bawling in Sunday School. The teacher asked me what was wrong. My reply, "My Mommy says this slip doesn't itch me but it does". Torture is itching, poison oak is itching, and these dad gum kotex itched and not only that, they had to be worn every 3rd week. It got better, every 3rd week with the kotex came cramps. The grand finale of it all is menopause and hot flashes which was where we started with all of this. Somebody qualified had told this fairly young woman that all her sleepless nights and other ailments are going to be resolved by throwing all her parts into the OR trash can, otherwise known as a hysterectomy. "Hummnn is this doc a man?" I inquired. Of course I already knew the answer to the question. No self respecting woman would ever suggest that menopause would make anybody sleep all night. No sweaty, power surging heat pulsating, wringing wet with sweat in the night, woman would dare! "It's not true dear", I ventured into that brave world of contradicting an MD. Menopause and sleep don't mix. Once we finally don't have to buy all that crap to deal with our monthlies we don't even get any rest. More issues. The positive approach to a hysterectomy is to have plastics close your belly up with a modified mini tummy tuck, highly recommended. The other perk is not buying kotex or any other such "feminine" product again. Humnn, that is until your bladder gets a little saggy and stress incontinence is your next reason to pad your panties; but we didn't even go there. Nobody had the heart to even bring it up. And that my friends is a good day at work.