The truth is that for all I ever learned about helping people cope with life threatening illness or loss or death, feels like a bunch of hogwash when I try and apply it to myself. There is a scripture in the Bible that says, "Each man should not think more highly of himself than he ought." I'm wondering if I was as helpful when I was nursing as I thought I was. I'm sure not doing such a great job with myself.
If I was being my own nurse than I would say my pain is not controlled and my depression is not controlled. Guess what? That is true but there is not a whole lot more that can be done, from both the cost and the treatment options. This is it and I have to learn to cope without alienating everyone in my life.
It's so hard not to be angry and bitter.
I'm sure my friends daughter will want Roman and she's coming back on Sunday. I can't decide if I want to take movies of him or just destroy all the pictures. I love him but I have to make the grown up decision of doing what's best for the dog and what is safest for me. I get determined to do things. Like the last time he was a big mess and we couldn't take him to be groomed. Jen and I did it. I royally killed myself but we got it done. I don't even remember how long I suffered for that. It doesn't help that I know how to groom him and have all the stuff. He is just too much dog for me. Then I wondered if I could have a little dog and I think I would trip on one of those too. My balance is impaired. I have probably never said out loud to anyone that my original fall that got me here was tripping on the dog I think. I'm not sure. I just remember a soft furry feeling under one of my feet before I started going down. It's hard to know in that fresh post op heavily drugged phase. But currently he loves to play and he's 65 pounds and growing. That much playful bump can send me into orbit. But if and when he goes that will be another red eyed snot slinging day.
I think maybe it was Kate who once told me that sometimes a great dog is a once in a lifetime thing.
I'm so stubborn. I sold furniture and all kinds of stuff to buy this puppy and now look where I am.
It seems sometimes I never learn. My friend Susie says, "For a smart girl you can be so dumb." Yeah we are still friends. You should hear some of the stuff I've said to her! Like for instance shopping at Macy's and looking at a pile of panties on clearance. She was looking at them and I picked up a pair and nearly ripped them stretching them as far as the fabric would allow and said, "Do they make them in your size?" After she stomped off and nearly left me forever we made up. That was about 25 years ago.
Made ya laugh didn't I.
Back to books that was going to be the topic. All the books I have in this sea of bindings on "self help" or spiritual comfort etc... are about the pain in your PAST.
What the heck?
Doesn't anyone have anything to say about the present?
After I get this cushion finished.
I might go to the library. If not today sometime soon.
Has anyone out there read any good books about coping with pain in the present?