Good Day.

This is all that is left from summer, it's the only pretty part of the garden right now.

We are having a serious drought. Even my weeping willow seems strained and the purple sage looks like a leggy weed. I'm waiting on the Hunny to rototiller this so I can replant my iris tubers. Oh wait, I forgot not me, I will watch someone else plant my tubers. Just like I watched a friend come and clean up that flower bed. It was a huge mess and she spent a good 2 hours bending and sweating.

That is a GOOD friend. 

A real friend will weed for you.

That really raises the bar don't you think?

and this? Well his name is totally wrong for him.  I should have named him Giganticus. 

He may have Great Dane in his lineage. Do you see the bumper of that pickup truck? That puts it in perspective doesn't it? 6 months old and at least 50 pounds. He eats like a Saint Bernard. He is a bottomless pit. He loves the sweet potatoes and digs them up out of the garden and eats them.

I made a big mistake in his last batch of food.

I grated up broccoli stems. PPPPEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUU.

Guaranteed to give a pup gas. 

 This is a funny pile on my desk. One friend dropped off a book about fasting. I have lost 17 pounds since I fell so I'm not reading that right now. The blue cord is my pulley so I can torture myself at home.
PT has moved from pampering to pain, I knew it couldn't last forever.
And my daughter sent me 3 boxes of See's candy. It came with a note that said "I love you Mama."
I melted. My daughter remembered my favorite kind of candy, not just See's but my favorite piece! I like "summertime" I thought only my Grandma knew that. she made me feel so special.
I have big news. Jen and the kids are coming in November. I can't wait! That is a very big cheer up.

Speaking of big. He is turning out not to be black see all the colors in his coat? He's like an espresso brown with red in places. He is a whole lot of trouble right now. He is chewing up everything he's not supposed to chew. Today it was the garden hose. Yesterday it was a bunch of stuff in the Hunny's shed.
Hunny now calls him "Turkey." He is not making points. I make excuses for him because he is not getting enough exercise. As soon as the kids get here that problem will be solved. My grandson has wanted a dog forever.

I have my ups and downs, today has been a pretty good day. My shoulder needs to be iced down now that I have typed this. It's been so long since I had a good mood I had to share it. I really am impatient with typing with one hand so it's off to the freezer for me and howdy do to you!

The List

My daughters youngest child fell and broke his arm yesterday.
She has no insurance so she is worried sick,
another obstacle to slow down her attempts to move here.

I have had a 3 steps forward two steps back kind of week,
both physically and mentally. Battle weary.
I felt better and did a LITTLE cooking and am paying a huge price for feeling alive.
That is depressing.
Back to doing nothing.
There is too much typing going on here.

Lots of questions again and a bad pain day, no week.
No appointments available with a pain clinic until mid November?
No appointment yet with the psychiatrist?
Are we having an epidemic of crazy hurt people?
Patience is not my virtue.

I've never had so many people reach out to love me.
Your all amazing. My amazing cousin who can do everything including bathe the big puppy gave me a great haircut and it made me feel so good.
I'll take a picture when my bangs grow out a little and I can wear a bra again.
I don't want to get tagged for questionable content.

and saving the BEST for last!
Kayla and her boyfriend went to his parents home and they took them in.
I have no idea how it will go, or how long it will last but for now she is off of the river bank and out of the weather and danger. Thank God.

HUGE sigh of relief.

Don't stop praying.
Say Thank you and then back on your knees! PUHLEEZE!!!!

AND tomorrow some friends are coming to tidy up the flower beds.
She knows how much it bugs me, and I haven't said a thing.
NICE so very nice!

Coming Back Up

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We use the Internet a lot, nothing like stating the obvious for a first sentence; but do you ever stop and think about how much free education is at our fingertips?

I am beginning to come back. I think this is my fifth day that I haven't cried. I was able to change my own clothes and dress myself today, a major huge accomplishment! A bigger challenge for me has been how deeply into depression I sunk. Somewhere along the bottom of "deep depression."  The name for it is perfect because it feels like being in the bottom of a dark well or under water, not able to come up. It's my first dance with this, to this degree and I have a new and profound compassion for those who suffer from this illness. 

I did go to the doctor and I am on anti depressants, which we recently had to double the dose on. I may not need them all my life but right now I do. My doctor was so kind he said,"your plate isn't just full it's spilling all over".  Sometimes we NEED help. Why I'm posting this is that  many people think you can just "snap out of it". There is also a shame factor or feelings of embarrassment, as if the depression alone isn't bad enough. Those feelings can keep someone who is not functioning well from getting help or even believing that life will EVER get better.

I want to share one more thing. Recently I had a phone call from a dear friend who has also suffered a great deal this year. I was having an uber bad day. I had been crying for most of it. I just bawled over the phone while she listened and then she said something that I wish could become known by the entire world.  "You just need a witness".  Sometimes we just need someone to listen to the pain and say nothing, no advice.  Just be there. That doesn't mean to leave and avoid us, actually we desperately need human touch. But real clinical depression has no bootstraps. If you know someone who is sick with this, love them, support them, and be with them. Drive them to the doctor, help them make the appointment. If you have to, help them get dressed. Reassure them that you understand that they are in pain and they can be helped.  Use this PC for some education too. Google topics that concern you and learn. I couldn't believe how much good education on depression I found. I found enough that even though I am a lot better than I was, I understand that I am still depressed. I'm going to see a psychiatrist because that is the specialist for this disorder. Just like I went to an orthopedic doctor for my bones. It isn't an issue of being crazy we all know I've always been crazy. I'm going because I still suffer from many symptoms of depression and I need help to get through this. There it is in black and white, I need help. We can't do everything by ourselves all the time.  If you've read my blog for a long time you know me pretty well and realize what a big deal this is. I'm sharing it in case your suffering. If you are then stop. You don't have to suffer alone. 

Two Friends Today

There were happy surprises in the mail today.

One friend sent me a get well card that hit the spot. Pretty much the way I have been feeling.

God are you there?

and a package from far away. ALASKA

There is only one lady in Alaska that makes beautiful cookies like these. I have always wanted to taste one. I get to taste THREE!

This one is a chocolate butter cookie. YUMMY I pinched off a little taste, because I want to admire them for awhile and not just gobble them up. Don't think I have will power girls, I haven't got much appetite.
I have lost 16 pounds. However I do not recommend the diet.

This adorable teapot cookie looks like a butter sugar cookie it is so cute.

This one broke a little so I wasn't sure what it was besides so pretty. So I ate the little round part. YUM.

and as if cookies wasn't enough because they are; she also added 3 wash rags made by a single mom that helps support herself by selling her knitting on line, and another friend who makes home made soap from her own goats milk.  There was a package of instant gourmet coffee lattes and some caramel candies.

and there was even more! A big chunk of their own Alaska smoked salmon. I thought I took a picture of her card it is so cute it says, "Hi Cupcake." The shape I'm in you'll just understand.
Have I lost more months than I thought? Is it Christmas?

Thank you so much Kris. You are so sweet to think of me. I think there is no reason you shouldn't get absolutely rich from "Grandma Tillie's Bakery," those cookies aren't just pretty they are delicious.

Yesterday I think I turned the corner. I had a good day. Physical therapy has been wonderful. All they do is massage me and pack me warm wet towels or ice, and work on the knots and lumps and bumps.
My scapula (shoulder blade) has been stuck up high and wouldn't move. They have loosened it up and I actually let my shoulders drop down from my earlobes for the first time since I fell. It felt so good I just let out a big sigh. The bruises have faded but their are lots of big deep knots and bumps. They rub and press and gently stretch my arm. It is all so wonderful. The exercise will come but right now it is just pain relief and that is a blessed God send. My therapist said to let my right arm and hand rest for one more week. I'm typing with two hands now because one hand is really a nuisance (disobedient brat).
I think in another week I may be well enough to blog a little. I really miss all of you.
But what on Earth am I going to talk about?

beautiful

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What do you do when your discouraged?

This puppy is relaxed and laid back. It's a good thing because I am not providing him the exercise he needs. I try and throw a ball for him with my left hand but I'm really crappy at it. I'm crappy throwing with my right hand too.

So he spends a good part of his day doing this. I almost got him a new home before my surgery because I was so worried about being able to care for him. I'm glad I didn't but I do feel selfish. He needs to run at least walk. With broken ribs walking is not on my agenda.

We don't do much of anything. He gets petted a lot, and kissed and hugged.

Fall here is one of my most favorite times of the year. We have perfect weather. It's the time to clean up the summer mess and put out a few fall things. Ain't happening.

I read  my favorite blogs today. A lot of them were posts about overcoming the dumps or horrible illness, or just needing a lift. I appreciated them all. I wish I could now announce that I snapped out of it because what you wrote was true. But I didn't. I am a poster child for depression. My big challenge of the day is to shower and get dressed. I lost that battle today, just couldn't face it. It didn't help that yesterday I took a laxative and a sleeping pill and woke up in a mess. Never happened before but it did. Trying to wrestle with sheets and get them in the washer just about killed my ribs. Not to mention feeling all embarrassed.
You know it's been bad enough without pooping in the bed.

I have never had any patience with whiners. I wonder if I'm being taught a lesson because I am the biggest whiner of all these days. I am so tired of being in pain. I am so tired of getting weaker every day.
I'm tired of  being broke and being the one creating piles of medical bills. I really can't find anything to brighten up my outlook. Most of the time I just don't care. I've even lost my appetite if that tells you something. I thought to myself, why am I writing this so nobody ever reads my blog again ?
Besides not caring, I thought that surely I am not alone in this valley that is more like the pit of hell.
Surely other people that are usually strong and able have had times where they have just been kicked behind the knees and are flattened. I can't be the only whiny baby on the block.

The truth is I am worn out. Starting in February with the hip surgery and then 2 months of severe respiratory illness in May thru July, surgery in August and a fall in September. I am beat. Man if I could stop it by calling Uncle I would scream it.

It doesn't help that my granddaughter threw her life away. She left all her belongings, her home her scholarship, her cat, to go live with a guy who is mentally ill and be homeless and camp on a river with other homeless people. That is her choice. Today the woman called where they were staying and asked me what to do with all of Kayla's beautiful things. I told her to keep them or give them away. I thought of how Esau despised his birthright, with a whole new understanding. We had to sacrifice a lot to provide all of what we gave and it was just abandoned without a care. My only conclusion is she is mentally ill. That lets her off the hook of being hateful.
I wish I could sue the hospital where we took her. They said she didn't meet criteria- which meant she had no insurance. I am so angry.

I sleep a lot. I take long naps every day. I have a broken body and a broken heart. So what do you do when your discouraged?