Sunday, August 2, 2009

Sleepless

Depression has struck me. I fear I am behaving like a spoiled child but I cannot seem to do anything about it. My husband says I shouldn't look at dogs and then this wouldn't happen.
He is not like me. He doesn't want another dog. I don't understand because he loved Rasmus so much. You never heard a grown man sob so wildly when we lost him. Sometimes I think that is it, but then no, it is not.

How can two people be so different? He does not understand me and I do not understand him.
The day we buried my dog a big part of me went down into that grave with him. It freaked my family out. I quit cooking, I quit talking. I never experienced such a loss. Is it wrong to love a dog like that? I never had that in life before, that connection that runs so deep. My dog wasn't really like a dog. He was more human, he knew every word you said to him. I rarely ever "commanded" him. We had a connection of respect and love. Sometimes I lost my patience with him if he pulled the leash, and a tear falls for every time I ever was cross with him. He was a magnificent animal. Watching him move with so much grace used to thrill my heart. I loved to see him run and leap. I would take him to the lake and turn him loose just to watch. He was totally trustworthy. The leash was never needed it was required by these laws. I long to live where you can let your best friend have the freedom to just be. Now crates are the thing. I wouldn't have one in my house! My dog was stuck to my hip and his obedience without fail. He listened. He also loved my husband a great deal. In fact he chose him in his last years. It didn't help that they got to hang out together all the time while I worked. It didn't help that he played ball and petted him constantly, the thief. He has been dead for two years and still the grief is so fresh, sometimes it is unbearable. I question this.

How can a person grieve for a dog so intensely? I have lost people and have more peace about their loss. Is it the way he died? Is it that I had to make the decision to send him to his death?
He wasn't ready. He tried to tell me to take him home. I knew what he was trying to say. I knew he didn't feel that bad yet, but it was coming fast. I couldn't bear to have him go through all the grotesque horrors of melanoma. I knew it was aggressive and that it had metastasized already to several areas in his head and body. The tumor in his eye had doubled in size in just a few days and it was bleeding. It was so hard. He looked so magnificent so alive. People were looking at me with questioning looks, why was I there to put THIS dog down? I never saw a more sorry face than in that vet. I didn't know him. He looked so sadly at me and said that yes it was right. There isn't a meaner cancer for a dog to have. What hurts me so much is that Rasmus wanted to go home. He stood facing the door at full attention ,"LET ME GO" and I put him on the table. When I did he quietly submitted in full grace. The vet muzzled him which killed me. He just submitted. We were no good for him clinging to each other in sobbing grief. Rasmus knew he was going to die, he knew we were saying goodbye and he just bowed his head in great majestic grace and died; and a big part of me went with him. Maybe I will never get over it.

I thought if I got another puppy it would help. From the first moment I saw Lu I knew I had made a mistake. I couldn't love her. She was beautiful and I felt nothing for her. I would look at her and cry. That brought up a whole host of issues. I finally gave her away and made sure she got a very good home. All dogs should have that. So what makes me think I could love Riley?
It's just a photograph. I am an idiot to fall so hard for a picture.

I am an idiot. My husband says no and the rescue says no and I am heartbroken all over again. I know in my heart what could be. I can see in him that he is right, and it makes my heart sick.
So I am a spoiled rotten child crying for what I want and can not have. Sometimes life is so stupid. It's just stupid. This should be simple. I need him and he needs me, it should be a simple happily ever after and it isn't. That is just stupid and I am depressed.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know how I felt when I lost my cat 2 years ago--I haven't been able to get over it, really. A lot of things have happened since then that have been hard, but part of my depression is from missing him. He was my constant companion--one who loved me without fail.(Now, let me just say, my husband is my constant companion, too--for 43 years, so it's not about him--we love each other and are solid!!)

I don't know why some of us are more reliant, if that is the word, on the love of a dog or cat to love--I always had a pet when I was a child, and in the house where I lived, they were the only consistent things that I knew that were going to be the same, loving beings each and everyday. Is that why we depend on them so much?? I am so sorry you're depressed---you've been through a lot lately!! But-I can see that you are a trouper, and that you won't stay down too long. I hope I won't either, because I'm really down right now, too.

Farmchick said...

Maybe you should think about visiting your local shelter and looking at some small dogs. Dogs that don't require a 7 hour drive or "organic" dog food, but still need love and a good home.

Men and women are so different. How else can you put it?

farmlady said...

Dear Karen,
I feel so bad for you and I understand what you're going through. When we lost Moke we mourned that dog as if he was a lost child.Your are not wrong, or crazy, or "stupid". These animals give us the only unconditional love we will ever get in our lives. They are God's little messengers that come into our lives to bring us assurance that we can be wonderful human beings and ,sometimes, not so wonderful..., but this creature will be loyal and loving to us anyway. But, my friend, they are animals and even though they are part of your relationship, they are not children or spouses. They don't live as long and they live vertically (they live in the moment). They don't think about the future or the past. They are here and then they leave us. What you did for your sweet dog two years ago was the right decision because it was his time to leave before the real suffering started.
You loved that dog and so did your husband. Sit down and talk about it with each other. Your husband may feel like he never wants to go through that again. With another dog there will always be another ending. It's inevitable. So talk to each other. I can tell that you love your husband. There will always be a dog waiting for a home. There are millions of them out there, waiting. One will be just right, very soon.
Give yourselves the gift of time and be together about this. The dog will benefit from both of you and your acceptance. Our new dog, Carl, did not replace Moke. He is the wonderful, new "pupster" and the time was right. Give yourselves time, sweetheart. It will be OK.

Debbie in CA : ) said...

My tears are falling for you, sweet friend. I knew Rasmus, and I know you are NOT exaggerating about his wonderful nature and superior intellect. He was something special . . .

Cry it out, let it go to the Father, hold Jimmy close as you get through this trecherous part of the journey. Grieving is not a one-time event.

I love you sweet friend. How I wish we could be together FOR REALS through these difficult days.

You are in my prayers. XO!

Britt-Arnhild said...

I've never had a dog, so I can't share your feeings. But I know one thing for sure - it is not wrong to love a dog so dearly. You are blessed to be eble to love. Remember a the good times you had with your dog.

Heidi said...

Karen, I honestly feel that God would want us to greive in a way for the animals he has given us. They are ment to be helpers, companions and friends.. My love to you and your hubby! To me this just proves how much love you have in your heart for others - including animals.... but you could be a bit spoiled too and I only say that because I COVET your pantry!!! LOL LOVE YOU!!!!

Laura ~Peach~ said...

love and hugs... you are not crazy...istill miss my dog from over 30 years ago... my mother decided to put him to sleep instread of paying for the surgery that would have saved him...he was my brother my only friend who would listen to me when life was unbearable (before i met jesus)
anyway i so understand your pain.

Karen said...

I know that feeling. I'm sorry. I mourned the loss of one of our dogs for a very long time. Unfortunately the only advice that I have to give is that you should never buy a dog behind your husband's back. That doesn't go over very well.

Rosie_Kate said...

When you've loved a really amazing dog, it's almost impossible to find another in a lifetime...

And I just want to remind you that this is all going to pass away. This is not all we have, here on earth, praise be to God! We're gonna get out of this place. We can lean on our Savior's mercy and know that even though we have to suffer much pain in this life, it's going to end well. We know that we can do nothing good on our own, but we've been made new in Christ, and He bears our burdens.

It's okay to feel sad. Go ahead and grieve. But remember that this is not all and someday, we'll have joy.

Grandma J said...

We don't always understand, but we have to accept what may seem unacceptable. I know the heartache of losing a dog. A dog that was all I had when my husband passed away. I know I can't go through that again, so I borrow my daughter's dog whenever I want. Sometimes it's everyday, sometimes it's a sleepover.

I know He is taking care of me so when I feel down in the dumps I lay my troubles at the foot of His cross. Then I count my blessing.

Maybe you couldl volunteer to be a dog walker or just visit your local shelter on a regular basis.

Twisted Fencepost said...

This post brought me to tears. I understand completely how our hearts become attached to animals. You said before that you had gotten this dog after your divorce and that he became your constant companion. Making you completely happy. Maybe this is why it has hurt you so much to lose him. Believe me, I understand.
I do know that some things in life are not to be. But they will be when the time is right. Maybe there is a reason that you cannot have this dog. We dont' know the reason, but God does. Trust him.

Kathy said...

Hugs. You are a wonderful person, I am sorry you were feeling so low.

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

I'm sorry. Truly sorry. What a dear person you are. Any animal you own is the most lucky one on the planet.

Maybe things will work out. You never know. I hope you can find some peace.

Jean said...

Oh, honey, I know just how you feel and you are not stupid, but just saying that won't make it better for you, it will work out in time.

My dog Angel, suffered so badly in the end, we couldn't get her to the vet in time to put her to sleep, she was a large lab and my husband couldn't lift her and we didn't have help. I didn't know the vets would come to the house, I was so angry no one at the vets office told me that. Angel suffered so much before she died - - please, please, realize, you did the right thing. There are times for it to be done - you can't control these things, I would have given anything to have taken Angel to the vet a day sooner when my son was home and could have helped. Or, if I had known the vet would come to the house.

Healing takes time and it is a real personal healing thing. I took care of my son at home for nine years and he died at home. Mothers have HOPE and FAITH and they are infallable - and we think we can do anything, but we are mere mortals. You will never forget the moments with him before and during his leaving you - that's the way it is. But, someday you will tuck the memory of his leaving you away but the thoughts will be stirred when you see another dog who looks like yours or a sound, or some simple gesture.

Please, don't beat yourself if - if you're losing sleep, go with the flow, fighting it makes it worse. You were blessed that you had a wonderful relationship with a treasured companion. Sometimes they only come once in a lifetime and that experience is unique and precious.

Coffee Bean said...

Oh Karen,

I understand and I am so sorry.

(((Big Hugs)))

imbeingheldhostage said...

I know what you're feeling! I have lost several dogs over the years, but there's one I mourned longer and harder than the rest. Who knows why, I still get soggy over him now when I look at pictures or try to talk about him to my family.
You're not spoiled, you have a good heart.

once in a blue moon... said...

wow you really are going thru lots of things... i didn't read what your health problem is, feet, bones, saws and hip, so i am not sure what is wrong with you, but i guess you see the surgeon in a few days... i wish you the best outcome for whatever is ailing you...

as for losing your dog, i get it... i really get it... the difference is i needed someone to love again, i could not bear to be alone for one minute when tucker died this fathers day... to not have little feet in the house would never, ever, allow me to heal... my first dog jessica was my best dog in a lifetime, trust me, i am on the same page as you, but the diff with me is that i know there are 1000s and 1000s of dogs that need me as much as i need them.

they will never be the same as rasmus, but they need love, and i am sure after 2 years you will have that to give now.... with so many little souls dying, i know i am there to rescue what i can, as fast as i can. so riley wasn't the dog for you, there are millions more, go to petfinders.com right now and just look, everyday there is a host of sad dogs waiting for the chance to please just you... open your heart, i am sure you will see who needs you most, and you may surprise yourself and fall in love all over again.

my last 3 dogs were strays that were dumped in the country, nothing i would ever want, but if i took them to a shelter it would be a death sentence in our area. i loved them all, but tucker, the last one in, was a wonderful dog that stole my heart, i am so grateful we kept him, he made my life extra nice this last decade. i always knew i loved him a little too much, his illness and passing destroyed me, but now i have 3 new dogs and i am too busy to mourn him, now he is just wonderful happy thoughts when i think back on him... everyday now, i move forward with my 3 new dogs that needed a permanent loving home, i am happy to heal, and love again, with with all 3 them. wishing you the best, now get to petfinders...