Pressing On

 I had been thinking that I have been a real dud of a grandma. This girl has been away from me for years. Now she is here and I let pain dictate how much I do with her, but not today. Look at this joyful smile.

 My body did not want to make cupcakes. My granddaughter was very excited and happy to make different colors of frosting. To see how to put together the piping bag. To squeeze out designs and make Easter magic. She took her finished beauties and displayed them on a platter. All her ideas.

 I thought that for a beginner at this, her work was absolutely outstanding! She shows great promise in the art of baking and making beauty. I loved her designs. I love the freedom that happens when you don't stress perfect conformation. Just let them do it.  Let the child explore. I am a very firm believer in putting the tools in the hands of the child and let them go.

 That belief shaped my homeschooling philosophy. Give them the environment that makes learning happen, with the tools and books to accomplish it, and let them go. I was almost an unschooler. Sometimes when a child spent six hours on the computer writing a story and illustrating it with pictures; I would watch amazed. There is no way I could make them do that.  The soil was there full of promise. I just watered and tended them.

 Life is so much like gardening or farming. I can see why Jesus spent so much time explaining life with stories about seeds and winds, trees, fruit, vines, and wheat. We are so connected to this earth. We are made from it. I have a strong inner need to walk barefoot, to touch, to plant, to be connected to this earth that I live on and in.

 I love randomness. Random growth, random thoughts, the unplanned free flowing flight of ideas and images. It is a large part of who I am and my personality. My favorite way to speak to a group is with a general idea of the subject but no notes, just letting it happen. The difficult thing to do is repeat the message and do the same thing twice. I haven't had the discipline to do that.

 I feel a kinship with this birch tree. Looking at the layers of bark falling and peeling away. Pain peels off the unnecessary layers, it goes to the heart the very core, and exposes what is inside.

What is inside?

 The desire to see the beauty on a cold overcast day. To capture the moments in less than perfect light. The overcast color of the day, connected to the overcast pain in the shoulder, wrist, hands, back,...the pain threatens a storm.  A storm of rain in the sky, watering the earth,  a storm of tears from the eyes letting out some relief.  I resist it, the crying. Instead I choose to look.

 These beauties are on thorns, branches of thorns. A message here for me? A promise to bring a flower of sweetest fragrance and beauty from the thorny branches?

 Perhaps even masses of roses, small as they may be, growing over time into something so large of a blessing...

 that it covers over the structure. All you can see is the mass of flowers, not what is underneath.

 These bloom on wickedly thorny briar's. These could have been the crown of thorns upon His head. They would have hurt, the tiniest prick to my fingers as I prune them brings blood.

Hidden in the mass of vines, one rose. I feel so entangled some days. The struggle just to get dressed, to participate in the life of the family. To engage when I want to let the blankets just cover me up. Sometimes I let out the biggest sighs, or just say out loud,

"so MUCH pain." burning aching ripping the shoulder joint may come apart...to fall disconnected away from me.

Instantly regretting, this tongue of mine lets complaint slip out. The confessions come when my guard is down. I do not want to bring attention to this daily physical struggle. Instead I struggle to keep my focus on this day, these moments.

 Looking into the future can bring me to my knees in fear and despair instantly.

What will become of us? how will I endure?

 The future is full of pricking thorns, it is all I see. Only focusing on this day and the promise that I see before me, right here in my own garden; keeps me calm. If the God of this universe is faithful to bring blooms on the thorny vines what more will HE do for me?

What He has already done is enough.

He wore the crown of thorns upon his head.

He understands and He loves me.

http://shespeaksconference.com/ There is a SheSpeaks writing conference coming up that I would love to attend.
Scholarships are available and one is being given away by a random drawing. Go sign up.
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/03/how-christians-create-art-she-speaks-scholarship/