Tuesday, July 7, 2009

?

I might be taking a blog break. It's not planned. I don't have a reason. There just isn't anything to share right now other than maybe ominous news.

I almost fell a few days ago. I didn't but I jerked myself around like Olive Oil in a Popeye cartoon. It felt like I re injured my feet. to what extent we are not sure yet. I did spend 2 hours in a bone scanner today to get my entire body scanned. When I go back to work I am going to find out if it is a routine question to ask a person if they have a history of cancer while you are being scanned. People shouldn't do that. It's unnerving, that would be a mild understatement.

My herky kerky almost fall, hurt my hip. My hip hurt enough to get me, the stubborn non compliant nurse, to go to the doctor. You know something, I don't know what he was doing to my hip, but something primal took over. I reacted big time. So we had some x rays, AP and lateral.
I was thinking a full body scan and he ordered it; nice to know we are thinking the same things.
Today I had a full body bone scan and an MRI of my hips. The XRAY looks like avascular necrosis.

Dead bones. Dead bones in an alive person, that can't be good.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't a nurse and that I didn't know anything. I wish I didn't have questions like how many joints? I wish that all the pain I have been having was something simple like stress or a neurosis, being crazy is a good option.

Right now I am on hold until Friday when I get the results. I hope he says I'm crazy.
In the mean time, well in the mean time I guess I am going to watch movies and read books and try not to think about all the questions. I'm a bit preoccupied. I just can't seem to put together a post about anything right now.

Making the bread from the 5 minute Artisan book works. I took some pictures but I'm not thinking about posting them. I know this is a rambling mess.

My life has been interrupted. I am not on the course I was on just a few weeks ago of persevering through the training for ICU. I am on the wrong side of the bed so to speak. I felt so self conscious being wheeled through the hospital I work at, in a wheelchair, with crutches and feet braces. This is so weird. I feel like I am on the brink of a cliff, one little slip and there is no return to strength and wholeness. It's a scary feeling this land of discovering the problem. You never can get used to it. I have been sick before, very sick and lived. Sometimes the only way you make it is because you want to and then there are times that you can't no matter how hard you try. I am being reflective here in general about life and everyone that I have ever seen suffer.

I guess one can't help but get unnerved, when they ask you questions and look and re take and focus in and get another picture of this and that. It's just a scary deal and somehow I guess I thought that being a nurse I would be immune. Not, it's actually worse. Dead bones, you know the crazy diagnosis may be just exactly right by Friday.

10 comments:

Chris H said...

I am thinking of you sweetie with all my heart. I hope your scans etc show nothing sinister. {{{HUGS}}}

Mental P Mama said...

Oh I am thinking of you! It has to be waaay worse to be able to hear and understand when they are thinking out loud. Take care of yourself. Sending positive thoughts.

COFFEE MAN said...

nods , hang in there kiddo , its unnerving im sure . That kinda question is type you would like to answer with a question such as

look at them and ask

" is there a history of stupidity in your family ? "

however , i guess they are trying to figure out the issue , so i guess a little lack of tack could be overlooked

hang in there , we all pullin for ya

Twisted Fencepost said...

I am thinking of you and praying for you! Hang in there.
Think positive thoughts! Nothing good comes from negativity.
No matter what the outcome...
You shall overcome!!!

Grandma J said...

Praying for the best results and plenty of healing.

Get well, and stay well. :)

Laura ~Peach~ said...

prayers & hugs....

jojo said...

sending love and prayers your way.

I used to think that being a Health Unit Co-ordinator put me in a position to be a little dangerous. You know, I know just enough to be scared but not enough to know what to do about it. I'm thinking of you with all the best. Take care, jj

farmlady said...

I know this feeling..., the "I don't know what this is yet, but this can't be happening to me" feeling.
I can hear you and your scared.

Stop blogging for a while and rest. Just do what you have to do.
We are all praying for you.

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

I am so sorry you are having major worries. Think positive thoughts--send them right out into the Universe and say, "Send these back, ten fold."

Honestly, I hope for the very best for you. You are in my prayers. I think you will know how to help yourself get better and will know how to help the medical people--of which you are one--to know how to treat whatever it is. The best of luck and love from me, in Utah.

Coffee Bean said...

Oh Sweetie!!! I've got to get through the rest of your posts! How did I get so behind?!?!?