Wednesday, April 20, 2011

an unknown prison wall

it's time for a miserable night
a sleepless no remedy night of pain
I've tried everything and you know what?

 there is no fixing this.
it just is

activity--- being still.
pushing for more mobility---resting and doing nothing.
positive hopeful---depressed defeated.
Ahi-chi in the pool-gardening on land.
eating a good diet--- or a whole chocolate bar.

at times it seems like choices make a difference
but there are always going to be these nights.
 a neurological malfunction-
a bizarre chronic pain disorder.
 wrestling down fear because it is in the brain
 it can spread anywhere.
what to do when you cannot trust what you feel
is it real?
a toothache that comes and goes
fire that doesn't consume that burns with invisible flames
bones crushed
bones aching feeling out of joint
a small taste of Jesus passion

agoraphobic---or not
retreat and be alone--- or reach out and touch
how many dog pictures can you stand?

 not seeking sympathy
just wanting to vent
what else can a person do at 3:30 am?
can't sleep
no more drugs or supplements to safely take
believe me I have maxed it out
there is no morphine here

trying not to puke
from the thoughts
the pain medications
and the reality of what is

 this is it

after feeling so good
thoughts of working
dismissed as delusional

kerplooey kerplat kerplunk
a cartoon life

 helping others
struggling for and against

 getting up in the morning
 focusing on the beauty here
gratefully using the good arm and hand
cultivating grace

sweeping the cobwebs out of my head to feel ALIVE

every time
and always a surprise
the hefty price demands it's payment

just when hope is brightest...
      even with a night like this

I'd rather live life than just breathe

I believe in the sun
even when it doesn't shine

I believe in love 
even when it isn't shown

I believe in God 
even when He doesn't speak.
author unknown written on a prison wall.


Mental P Mama said...

Hugs to you on this morning after. I hope it is better soon.

Laura~peach~ said...

hugs... and prayers !

Kat said...

I'm so sorry for these nights. I hope and pray that your health returns again soon.

farmlady said...

"In joy and sorrow, all are equal,
This be guardian of all, as of yourself." shantideva

This is from a book called
The Places That Scare You.
A quide to fearlessness in difficult times by Pema Chodron.
We always have a choice,Karen.
I wish you peace.

Bluebird49 said...

I'm sorry--so sorry---I don't know how you feel, I know. I just know I have nights, many nights like this lately. Very bad nights, and I'm so sorry you are having them, too, Karen. I wish so much I could help you.

Life In a Little House said...

Ugh!! I am so Sorry to hear about the return of the pain...Praying for you ...I really related to some of what you said sometimes with my migraines it seems like no matter what diet I follow or how much I try to control my enviroment it still just seems to happen regardless....I will be praying for you. Does your dog know when your in pain Lucy knows when I have a headache coming on she won't leave my side I was just curious if it was the same with your poodle?...~Keeping you in my prayers ~Happy Easter Love Heather