Sunday, October 31, 2010

Generations of Dressing Up

Jennifer will be here soon. Since I can't do a lot and I'm feeling very sentimental, I went through the boxes of pictures and came up with this idea to share with you.

I used to love to sew. I made everything we had. I made my daughter clothes, doll clothes, and of course her Halloween costumes. I have not always been a grown up though, aren't you surprised?
That little tot in a Danish traditional outfit is me. I still have it. My Mama is on the right and now you know why I like being blond it makes me look more like her. People who can't get used to the blond have their obvious reasons. Most of my years I wore my hair long.

These are the outfits I made over the years. Jenny was a bunny in kindergarten, the outfit was made of velvet and I could hardly keep my hands off her. I could not figure out how to make the ears stand up so I told her she was a jackrabbit.  The genie outfit was really fun. I would use satin lining fabric which in those days was cheap. I also had a wonderful fabric store with a very good remnant box and found the dark blue velvet in there. Those deals don't exist anymore. It used to be cheaper to sew. The princess outfit we found at goodwill, somebodies prom dress that I made over. The hat and the wand were cardboard, foil, and some other odds and ends.
This was the hardest and most expensive. I had to buy real fabric. We actually spray painted her hair black. Those sleeves were complicated but she really did look just like Snow White, white collar, red cape and all. I have no idea what happened to that! We should have kept it.

We didn't really need a holiday to dress up. Jenny loved to play and dress herself up.
That was her prom dress. I put the picture of her and her toys in there to show you my idea for what to do with all those stuffed animals. I took a closet wooden pole and put a hook in the ceiling and a hook on top of the pole. Then I used cup hooks all over the pole in strategic places and put a little loop on the toys if they had nothing to hang with, most did. What a space saver it was and so cute, not to mention cheap. I was on welfare in those years.

 The next generation wasn't exempt from the love of play. That is Kayla with Rasmus when he was young. Now that you see Jenny you can see that Kayla was a little replica. The top picture is Hunny, and Heather and Granny marching around in Halloween hats the girls had made. I used to hunt the thrift stores for girls formals to have a dress up box. Kayla and Heather were dressed up one year from that and a mask we got in New Orleans.

This time it wasn't any holiday at all. We were playing with Heather and dressed her up. Then Jennifer and I got dressed up. I couldn't find the pic of Jen, it's too bad because she looked hawt! When Pa came home from work he got into the spirit of things and let us dress him too.

How about you? Does your family enjoy dressing up to play?

Friday, October 29, 2010

Just a little update.

We have a fire in the fireplace tonight and I am resting on the couch with my down throw blankets.
I am completely amazed at the generosity of you. Jennifer has received enough donations I think to ship what she kept which wasn't much. She said," Mom I just reduced my whole life to 14 boxes."
I reassured her that it is just stuff. We all lose stuff sometimes for different reasons, fires, floods, tornado's, anything can happen to any of us at any time. We feel secure with our stuff around us but it really isn't anything to lean on.

The children are excited, they are happy. I told them last night I am counting the days. They said that is what they did when I was coming to see them too! So sweet.

I'm sorry that I haven't been posting. I'm having a lot of trouble with my arm. I think it's time for an MRI to find out exactly what happened with my fall.  I don't want to go back for more surgery but if we know what happened we know what to expect and it looks like I may have real mobility limitations. I am not giving up, we have just consistently, "hit a wall," that we can't get past. I have good days and bad days and that is just part of it. When I started all this I never thought about it affecting my hand or typing, or writing. My handwriting is nearly illegible.

Because of the time factor and how Jen and the kids were feeling she basically gave everything away, that she's leaving behind. Someone  here has already given us a bunk bed set with mattresses too and she isn't even here yet. God will honor what she is doing. Her desire to be with family and back into church is the main thing.  You know two years ago we wouldn't even be having these conversations. We have been estranged for nearly 10 years. I'll never forget the day I picked up the phone and heard,"Mama?" It's me Jennifer and then she poured her heart out. She asked for forgiveness she thanked me for being a good mother, it was more than I ever dreamed. I really thought it would never happen. I had given up hope. If your there, don't give up hope.
It was very hard because we were always very close all of our lives as she is my only child. I helped her raise her first two because she was so young when she had them. But she loved being a mother and she certainly wasn't scared, but two babies close together is a handful for anybody.

One of the things that I am looking forward to the most is just being the Grandma. These two don't need me to mother them. I get to just have the fun stuff, and how cool is that?!

I'll take some pictures when they get here and tell you everything. You won't believe how much weight I have lost. I don't recommend the diet of pain and suffering but I put on size 14 jeans today. WHOOO hoop. I thought I'd see if I was even close to getting in them and they weren't even snug. That was a nice surprise. I've lost weight everywhere even my fingers. Pain really kills my appetite, I just can't eat when I am hurting that bad.  I don't think I'll gain it back. In fact I'm going to just keep going and get all the fat off to give my bones the relief they need. Once you get rolling and see that the scale actually does work in reverse it can be encouraging. My winter clothes are going to fit, that's nice because it has been getting chilly. Fall is here. We finally got some rain! Maybe that will encourage the leaves to change colors and we can admire the pretty colors. All the vegetation here is so accustomed to plenty of water it's freaked out, not knowing how to act.

I really do want to share with you that I have never experienced a deep major depression like that in my life. Our body, soul, mind, and spirit can all be affected by injury and pain. I went to a place I have never been to before and hope never to return. I saw the world darkly. I can't explain it, the feeling of being in the bottom of the deep, but I have been there. My heart will forever be changed to those who suffer depression. If you do please realize that it is an illness and there should be no stigma attached to it. I have gone through a lot of physical trials in my life and over come a lot. I rank depression as the worst. That place that suffering was the worst of anything. If you suffer and want to share with me I'll listen. You have to be pretty well to want to share! It's horrible. There are no bootstraps there.  No "snapping out of it." That is ignorance.

I have been going to a counsellor because of all the changes and trauma in my life. I had not seen her for 3 weeks while she was away on a trip. The last time I saw her I was depressed on a scale of 1 to 10 to infinity. There was no number.  This week when I went to see her I had quite a shock. All the colors in her office were different. She has an oriental type rug that I actually thought had a navy blue background, it is in reality beige. Her couch looked like a dark maroon, it is actually light rust. The paint looked different the entire room was lighter. As Spock would say, "fascinating Captain." I am intrigued by that. It would be an amazing research project to study the effects of major depression on the senses.

neuro transmitters and brain synapses. It was good for me to try and engage my mind to think and learn a bit about what was happening to me.
Maybe something strange has happened to you when your depressed. If you'd feel comfortable sharing it I'd like to know.

So here we are 5 days and counting. I would kill the fatted calf and have a party but instead I'm going to roast a turkey and my darling friend Ericka is going to decorate with balloons and a welcome sign. After they get settled we'll have a party. I may even have to have a party in a messy house. I am grateful for all the help I have received. It really is better to give then to receive it's much easier to give. I am learning to be gracious and just say yes, followed by lots of heartfelt thank yous. I pray that your giving brings a hundred fold blessing to you.

For those of you who have given to Jennifer, it has blessed her heart so much, she is just stunned and very very grateful. Maybe she'll post a bit and you can get to know her that would be fun.

I want to thank you for still being there even with long absences and gloomy Eeyore posts. I think my blog friends are some of the best friends I have and I love you.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Pray This…  by Ray Lessing

Prayer of Release
I know the one in whom I trust, and I am sure that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until the day of his return. 2 Timothy 1:12 NLT
Heavenly Father, I release to You the burdens that I have been carrying, burdens that You never intended for me to carry. I cast all my cares upon You—all my worries, all my fears. You have told me not be anxious about anything, but rather to bring everything to You in prayer with thankfulness.
Father, calm my restless spirit, quiet my anxious heart, still my troubling thoughts with the assurance that You are in control. I let go of my grip upon the things I have been hanging onto, with opened hands I come to You. I release to Your will all that I am trying to manipulate; I release to Your authority all that I am trying to control; I release to Your timing all that I have been striving to make happen.
I thank You for Your promise to sustain me, preserve me, and guard all that I have entrusted to Your keeping. Protect my heart and mind with Your peace, the peace that passes all understanding. Father, may Your will be done in my life, in Your time, and in Your way.
Scriptures: Psalm 55:22, 1 Peter 5:7, Philippians 4:6, Matthew 6, Isaiah 26:3, Luke 11:2

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

If you want to help.

Some of you at different times have said that you would like to help Jennifer.
She is trying to sell her things pack up and ship some boxes to move in the next week.
We will have plenty of doctor and dentist bills when she comes, but the main thing is to get her here!!
I never thought I would do this.
I have set up a Pay Pal account and if you would like to help just use the little donate button.
Any gift will help even small ones.
I hope someday I am able to return the generosity.

Monday, October 25, 2010

A Call To Pray

This is going to be a personal post. If you don't pray, or believe in God it's OK
to skip this one.

I need prayer. My family needs prayer. My daughter needs prayer.
My friend that is helping my daughter needs prayer for her physical health, for strength, endurance, and wisdom. She specifically needs for her system to be relaxed and no digestive upsets. I have 2 friends trying to help Jennifer.
She's not coming to visit she's coming to stay. 

They need help. David's arm is in a splint for a broken wrist. Jen has torn tendons, a neuroma, and a displaced bone in her foot so she is not supposed to walk. They don't have any health insurance so they are coming here for help.
They are trying to sell all their stuff and pack what they want to keep to ship. 
nobody has come to buy. The sales are needed to pay for the shipping.
It's very hard for them not to be discouraged. 

All I can do is pray and that is driving me nuts. I want to hire a dad gum moving van. To just show up and pack them and not worry about anything. I can't do it.
Not happening. I can't borrow money without a job. GEEZ this is sounding pathetic! I don't want to do that. I'm just telling my blog buddies what is going on. God can move heaven and earth. He can help her. We just have to ask.
Pray for their health, for them not to be discouraged. For people to show up with real help not just a pat on the back. I told my daughter tonight that even if it comes down to walking away with the clothes they can carry, the plane tickets are there. They are coming home. Then I can take them to my doctor and we can just slowly get their health back up and she can begin again. 

Do you know how hard this is for me? 

Me the "I can do it," lady. I'm in a position of complete inadequacy. I can't do anything. I bought the plane tickets. I'm going to book a room in a hotel the day before their flight because they have to leave really early in the morning.

So here I am. Helplessly waiting on everything I have ever believed in. Waiting for help that isn't a bunch of words. My one friend with fragile health is taking food and boxes and showing REAL Christian love. Another friend is helping too but she is leaving town in a few days. I called our old church there and asked for help and it was a terrible disappointment, unbelievable. But God.
God will make a way. He promised.

If you'd like to join me, pray for all these needs. We have one week to get it done and two of the three have injuries., not including mine. I am asking God to raise up an army of angels, the kind with skin on.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Good Day.

This is all that is left from summer, it's the only pretty part of the garden right now.

We are having a serious drought. Even my weeping willow seems strained and the purple sage looks like a leggy weed. I'm waiting on the Hunny to rototiller this so I can replant my iris tubers. Oh wait, I forgot not me, I will watch someone else plant my tubers. Just like I watched a friend come and clean up that flower bed. It was a huge mess and she spent a good 2 hours bending and sweating.
That is a GOOD friend. 
A real friend will weed for you.
That really raises the bar don't you think?

and this? Well his name is totally wrong for him.  I should have named him Giganticus. 
He may have Great Dane in his lineage. Do you see the bumper of that pickup truck? That puts it in perspective doesn't it? 6 months old and at least 50 pounds. He eats like a Saint Bernard. He is a bottomless pit. He loves the sweet potatoes and digs them up out of the garden and eats them.
I made a big mistake in his last batch of food.
I grated up broccoli stems. PPPPEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUU.
Guaranteed to give a pup gas. 
 This is a funny pile on my desk. One friend dropped off a book about fasting. I have lost 17 pounds since I fell so I'm not reading that right now. The blue cord is my pulley so I can torture myself at home.
PT has moved from pampering to pain, I knew it couldn't last forever.
And my daughter sent me 3 boxes of See's candy. It came with a note that said "I love you Mama."
I melted. My daughter remembered my favorite kind of candy, not just See's but my favorite piece! I like "summertime" I thought only my Grandma knew that. she made me feel so special.
I have big news. Jen and the kids are coming in November. I can't wait! That is a very big cheer up.
Speaking of big. He is turning out not to be black see all the colors in his coat? He's like an espresso brown with red in places. He is a whole lot of trouble right now. He is chewing up everything he's not supposed to chew. Today it was the garden hose. Yesterday it was a bunch of stuff in the Hunny's shed.
Hunny now calls him "Turkey." He is not making points. I make excuses for him because he is not getting enough exercise. As soon as the kids get here that problem will be solved. My grandson has wanted a dog forever.

I have my ups and downs, today has been a pretty good day. My shoulder needs to be iced down now that I have typed this. It's been so long since I had a good mood I had to share it. I really am impatient with typing with one hand so it's off to the freezer for me and howdy do to you!

Friday, October 15, 2010

The List

My daughters youngest child fell and broke his arm yesterday.
She has no insurance so she is worried sick,
another obstacle to slow down her attempts to move here.

I have had a 3 steps forward two steps back kind of week,
both physically and mentally. Battle weary.
I felt better and did a LITTLE cooking and am paying a huge price for feeling alive.
That is depressing.
Back to doing nothing.
There is too much typing going on here.

Lots of questions again and a bad pain day, no week.
No appointments available with a pain clinic until mid November?
No appointment yet with the psychiatrist?
Are we having an epidemic of crazy hurt people?
Patience is not my virtue.

I've never had so many people reach out to love me.
Your all amazing. My amazing cousin who can do everything including bathe the big puppy gave me a great haircut and it made me feel so good.
I'll take a picture when my bangs grow out a little and I can wear a bra again.
I don't want to get tagged for questionable content.

and saving the BEST for last!
Kayla and her boyfriend went to his parents home and they took them in.
I have no idea how it will go, or how long it will last but for now she is off of the river bank and out of the weather and danger. Thank God.

HUGE sigh of relief.

Don't stop praying.
Say Thank you and then back on your knees! PUHLEEZE!!!!

AND tomorrow some friends are coming to tidy up the flower beds.
She knows how much it bugs me, and I haven't said a thing.
NICE so very nice!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Coming Back Up


We use the Internet a lot, nothing like stating the obvious for a first sentence; but do you ever stop and think about how much free education is at our fingertips?

I am beginning to come back. I think this is my fifth day that I haven't cried. I was able to change my own clothes and dress myself today, a major huge accomplishment! A bigger challenge for me has been how deeply into depression I sunk. Somewhere along the bottom of "deep depression."  The name for it is perfect because it feels like being in the bottom of a dark well or under water, not able to come up. It's my first dance with this, to this degree and I have a new and profound compassion for those who suffer from this illness. 

I did go to the doctor and I am on anti depressants, which we recently had to double the dose on. I may not need them all my life but right now I do. My doctor was so kind he said,"your plate isn't just full it's spilling all over".  Sometimes we NEED help. Why I'm posting this is that  many people think you can just "snap out of it". There is also a shame factor or feelings of embarrassment, as if the depression alone isn't bad enough. Those feelings can keep someone who is not functioning well from getting help or even believing that life will EVER get better.

I want to share one more thing. Recently I had a phone call from a dear friend who has also suffered a great deal this year. I was having an uber bad day. I had been crying for most of it. I just bawled over the phone while she listened and then she said something that I wish could become known by the entire world.  "You just need a witness".  Sometimes we just need someone to listen to the pain and say nothing, no advice.  Just be there. That doesn't mean to leave and avoid us, actually we desperately need human touch. But real clinical depression has no bootstraps. If you know someone who is sick with this, love them, support them, and be with them. Drive them to the doctor, help them make the appointment. If you have to, help them get dressed. Reassure them that you understand that they are in pain and they can be helped.  Use this PC for some education too. Google topics that concern you and learn. I couldn't believe how much good education on depression I found. I found enough that even though I am a lot better than I was, I understand that I am still depressed. I'm going to see a psychiatrist because that is the specialist for this disorder. Just like I went to an orthopedic doctor for my bones. It isn't an issue of being crazy we all know I've always been crazy. I'm going because I still suffer from many symptoms of depression and I need help to get through this. There it is in black and white, I need help. We can't do everything by ourselves all the time.  If you've read my blog for a long time you know me pretty well and realize what a big deal this is. I'm sharing it in case your suffering. If you are then stop. You don't have to suffer alone. 

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Two Friends Today

There were happy surprises in the mail today.

One friend sent me a get well card that hit the spot. Pretty much the way I have been feeling.

God are you there?

and a package from far away. ALASKA

There is only one lady in Alaska that makes beautiful cookies like these. I have always wanted to taste one. I get to taste THREE!

This one is a chocolate butter cookie. YUMMY I pinched off a little taste, because I want to admire them for awhile and not just gobble them up. Don't think I have will power girls, I haven't got much appetite.
I have lost 16 pounds. However I do not recommend the diet.
This adorable teapot cookie looks like a butter sugar cookie it is so cute.

This one broke a little so I wasn't sure what it was besides so pretty. So I ate the little round part. YUM.

and as if cookies wasn't enough because they are; she also added 3 wash rags made by a single mom that helps support herself by selling her knitting on line, and another friend who makes home made soap from her own goats milk.  There was a package of instant gourmet coffee lattes and some caramel candies.

and there was even more! A big chunk of their own Alaska smoked salmon. I thought I took a picture of her card it is so cute it says, "Hi Cupcake." The shape I'm in you'll just understand.
Have I lost more months than I thought? Is it Christmas?

Thank you so much Kris. You are so sweet to think of me. I think there is no reason you shouldn't get absolutely rich from "Grandma Tillie's Bakery," those cookies aren't just pretty they are delicious.

Yesterday I think I turned the corner. I had a good day. Physical therapy has been wonderful. All they do is massage me and pack me warm wet towels or ice, and work on the knots and lumps and bumps.
My scapula (shoulder blade) has been stuck up high and wouldn't move. They have loosened it up and I actually let my shoulders drop down from my earlobes for the first time since I fell. It felt so good I just let out a big sigh. The bruises have faded but their are lots of big deep knots and bumps. They rub and press and gently stretch my arm. It is all so wonderful. The exercise will come but right now it is just pain relief and that is a blessed God send. My therapist said to let my right arm and hand rest for one more week. I'm typing with two hands now because one hand is really a nuisance (disobedient brat).
I think in another week I may be well enough to blog a little. I really miss all of you.
But what on Earth am I going to talk about?

Friday, October 1, 2010

What do you do when your discouraged?

This puppy is relaxed and laid back. It's a good thing because I am not providing him the exercise he needs. I try and throw a ball for him with my left hand but I'm really crappy at it. I'm crappy throwing with my right hand too.

So he spends a good part of his day doing this. I almost got him a new home before my surgery because I was so worried about being able to care for him. I'm glad I didn't but I do feel selfish. He needs to run at least walk. With broken ribs walking is not on my agenda.

We don't do much of anything. He gets petted a lot, and kissed and hugged.
Fall here is one of my most favorite times of the year. We have perfect weather. It's the time to clean up the summer mess and put out a few fall things. Ain't happening.

I read  my favorite blogs today. A lot of them were posts about overcoming the dumps or horrible illness, or just needing a lift. I appreciated them all. I wish I could now announce that I snapped out of it because what you wrote was true. But I didn't. I am a poster child for depression. My big challenge of the day is to shower and get dressed. I lost that battle today, just couldn't face it. It didn't help that yesterday I took a laxative and a sleeping pill and woke up in a mess. Never happened before but it did. Trying to wrestle with sheets and get them in the washer just about killed my ribs. Not to mention feeling all embarrassed.
You know it's been bad enough without pooping in the bed.

I have never had any patience with whiners. I wonder if I'm being taught a lesson because I am the biggest whiner of all these days. I am so tired of being in pain. I am so tired of getting weaker every day.
I'm tired of  being broke and being the one creating piles of medical bills. I really can't find anything to brighten up my outlook. Most of the time I just don't care. I've even lost my appetite if that tells you something. I thought to myself, why am I writing this so nobody ever reads my blog again ?
Besides not caring, I thought that surely I am not alone in this valley that is more like the pit of hell.
Surely other people that are usually strong and able have had times where they have just been kicked behind the knees and are flattened. I can't be the only whiny baby on the block.

The truth is I am worn out. Starting in February with the hip surgery and then 2 months of severe respiratory illness in May thru July, surgery in August and a fall in September. I am beat. Man if I could stop it by calling Uncle I would scream it.

It doesn't help that my granddaughter threw her life away. She left all her belongings, her home her scholarship, her cat, to go live with a guy who is mentally ill and be homeless and camp on a river with other homeless people. That is her choice. Today the woman called where they were staying and asked me what to do with all of Kayla's beautiful things. I told her to keep them or give them away. I thought of how Esau despised his birthright, with a whole new understanding. We had to sacrifice a lot to provide all of what we gave and it was just abandoned without a care. My only conclusion is she is mentally ill. That lets her off the hook of being hateful.
I wish I could sue the hospital where we took her. They said she didn't meet criteria- which meant she had no insurance. I am so angry.

I sleep a lot. I take long naps every day. I have a broken body and a broken heart. So what do you do when your discouraged?