Friday, October 1, 2010

What do you do when your discouraged?

This puppy is relaxed and laid back. It's a good thing because I am not providing him the exercise he needs. I try and throw a ball for him with my left hand but I'm really crappy at it. I'm crappy throwing with my right hand too.

So he spends a good part of his day doing this. I almost got him a new home before my surgery because I was so worried about being able to care for him. I'm glad I didn't but I do feel selfish. He needs to run at least walk. With broken ribs walking is not on my agenda.

We don't do much of anything. He gets petted a lot, and kissed and hugged.
Fall here is one of my most favorite times of the year. We have perfect weather. It's the time to clean up the summer mess and put out a few fall things. Ain't happening.

I read  my favorite blogs today. A lot of them were posts about overcoming the dumps or horrible illness, or just needing a lift. I appreciated them all. I wish I could now announce that I snapped out of it because what you wrote was true. But I didn't. I am a poster child for depression. My big challenge of the day is to shower and get dressed. I lost that battle today, just couldn't face it. It didn't help that yesterday I took a laxative and a sleeping pill and woke up in a mess. Never happened before but it did. Trying to wrestle with sheets and get them in the washer just about killed my ribs. Not to mention feeling all embarrassed.
You know it's been bad enough without pooping in the bed.

I have never had any patience with whiners. I wonder if I'm being taught a lesson because I am the biggest whiner of all these days. I am so tired of being in pain. I am so tired of getting weaker every day.
I'm tired of  being broke and being the one creating piles of medical bills. I really can't find anything to brighten up my outlook. Most of the time I just don't care. I've even lost my appetite if that tells you something. I thought to myself, why am I writing this so nobody ever reads my blog again ?
Besides not caring, I thought that surely I am not alone in this valley that is more like the pit of hell.
Surely other people that are usually strong and able have had times where they have just been kicked behind the knees and are flattened. I can't be the only whiny baby on the block.

The truth is I am worn out. Starting in February with the hip surgery and then 2 months of severe respiratory illness in May thru July, surgery in August and a fall in September. I am beat. Man if I could stop it by calling Uncle I would scream it.

It doesn't help that my granddaughter threw her life away. She left all her belongings, her home her scholarship, her cat, to go live with a guy who is mentally ill and be homeless and camp on a river with other homeless people. That is her choice. Today the woman called where they were staying and asked me what to do with all of Kayla's beautiful things. I told her to keep them or give them away. I thought of how Esau despised his birthright, with a whole new understanding. We had to sacrifice a lot to provide all of what we gave and it was just abandoned without a care. My only conclusion is she is mentally ill. That lets her off the hook of being hateful.
I wish I could sue the hospital where we took her. They said she didn't meet criteria- which meant she had no insurance. I am so angry.

I sleep a lot. I take long naps every day. I have a broken body and a broken heart. So what do you do when your discouraged?


Angela said...

It makes me sick this system that is out there for our children. I got a phone call from one of the agencies that was supposed to help us with be told that his work load is so big that by the time it gets to Asher, he will be 18..and adult. Which means he can't get the help there..makes me SICK!!!!!

What do I do when I get discouraged. Go to bed. Gorge on food. Go to bed. Gorge on food.

When I'm 'mentally' stronger, I pray and praise. I pray and praise. I push past that discouragement..when I'm mentally strong.

Your not physically well, which doesn't help mentally so what your going through Karen is HUGE. There are times I've said that being sick physically is harder than mentally..when I'm not physically well and unable to do the things I normally do, I'm double whammed with depression than.

When I get discouraged, I like to yard sale!!!! lol

Mental P Mama said...

I am so, so sorry about it all. But you have to be kind to yourself. It's your turn now. Be kind to will heal and then you can deal with the rest. And that puppy is there for a reason. Enjoy his love. Sending you prayers....

Kat said...

Listen, you have every right to complain and be depressed. You have had SO MUCH on your plate these last few months. It is crazy! Perhaps we should nickname you Job. ;) Seriously. It has been a lot. Too much.
I know that feeling of being broken. When I was getting migraine after migraine I just felt like a broken person and that was nothing compared to what you are going through.

I guess when I am overwhelmed I just pray. Sometimes that is all we can do and it is definitely the best we can do. And I'll be praying for you too.

Hang in there!!!!!

farmlady said...

Don't own all of this, my dear. Too many of us write our own stories and never expect that things will change. They will and if God is who you think he is, you must have faith that "this too will pass". Everything changes and you have control over most of it.
Take care and get well. Little steps....little steps.

Laura ~Peach~ said...

i sleep alot read the bible and pray ... and when i finally decide to give it to God ... then i do and he takes over... Love you.

joanne said...

what do I do? I put on the pretend happy face but secretly I sleep, gorge, don't get dressed, don't bother with showering, brushing hair or teeth, I moan, and I cry, cry, cry, then I sleep some more.
If you read my post today and thought I'm handling this well, it is a facade. I am miserable most of the time, scared and lonely. I am a huge fail. but you my dear are not.
I know you, the lovely, bright, beautiful spirit that is Karen-Deborah. You have had so much handed to you this year that even without the physical ailments it would be tough to handle. You are so important to so many people and though you don't feel it now, it's true. I'm here, always have been and always will be. Lifting you in prayer and sending you my heart is all I can do from here. I wish it were different but we have to carve out some sort of life from this mess. I know you will do it and we are all here for you along the way. Take small steps and deep breaths, I know that's hard with broken ribs but keep trying, you don't want to get pneumonia.
Depression is an ugly room-mate, it's time to kick her to the curb and take care of you...
I love you my sweet friend and it hurts my heart to see you in so much pain...take care.

Michelle said...

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. But, it will pass. You WILL improve physically and heal. Day by day and one foot in front of the other.

Julie Harward said...

I am sorry it's bad right and he are good company for each other. Life can be so hard..we all have battle scares...this will get ya! :D

Pia said...

what do i do when i'm discouraged? i cry. i allow myself to cry and whine maybe for a day or two. then after that i gotta snap out of it. life is unfair. so many bad things happen to good people. that's because we live in this imperfect world. but while we are, we have to go through life believing in the one true God that wants only the best for us. i pray. i ask God for guidance and strength to face whatever challenges that comes my way. i live a life believing that the best is yet to come. that everything happens for a reason. that God is in control. i take a deep breath, smile and watch TV. i don't do much like others do (shopping, etc), but i get to enjoy life the way God wants me to. being grateful to the simplest things around me.

life is unfair. life is hard. but we can overcome because of our faith in JESUS. He will make a way for us. God is in control.

God bless you, karen.

Twisted Fencepost said...

What do I do?
First and foremost, I pray. All day, everyday. God will see you through this. Remember, he doesn't put on you more than you can bear.
I surround myself with things that make me happy.
Pretty flowers.
TV shows that make me laugh.
Favorite food.
Happy people.
And anything else that makes me smile or laugh.
I have to do these things or I sink so low that I can't function as normal.
You must do these things, too!
It's the only way out of this depression.
Atleast it is for me.
There used to be a saying, "Pretty is as pretty does."
The same can be said for happiness, "Happy is as happy does."
Concentrate on what you CAN do. The rest can wait. If it's not important right this can wait.
And trust me...the dog is happy just being with you. If you can't throw the ball, roll the ball.
I'm sure if you look into his eyes, you will see his love for you, no matter what is going on. They love unconditionally. As you should love yourself!

Bluebird49 said...

Oh Honey...I commented yesterday, but I guess blogger ate it again.

I'm so sorry about all of this. I thought I was the depression poster child! Here I am--only second or third in the running. Haven't you ever read Peach's e-mail--not to take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time!?? It's not funny at all--I know! I really am so sorry--and that you have had to even clean up after yourself.

This mess--the bills--you'll get them paid one day. You can't worry about them. And Kayla--I know you can't help worrying---but I think you're right--she's mentally ill, and the hospital SHOULD have caught it. I blame THEM. Maybe the college and the scholarship weren't really ever HER dreams though. They might have been your dreams for a granddaughter you loved very much. Right now--it's not meant to be.

I just have to and WILL keep praying for you and her. And for me. Most of the time when I'm this low--I have to depend on the Holy Spirit to utter the things I can't even think to pray!

love you!

Anonymous said...

Broken ribs painful like a broken toe painful.
Broken heart painful. All are mendable.
Step one positives no negatives at all. You are on the mend and being positive will help. Time to move forward Time to walk round the garden and just plan things positive things that you will do in a weeks time, Write them down in your blog set targets. You have life nows the time to turn things around and live life.

Chris H said...

There is nothing you can do about the granddaughter... she has chosen her path (for now)... all you can do is be there for her if and when she comes home again.
As for you... a little pill can do wonders!
And also... think about looking back on this time in a year and how it won't look SO BAD then?
I do that all the time. visualise one year ahead... and know that as long as nobody died, it wasn't that bad.
Worse things can happen .... for sure.
Huge {{{HUGS}}}... and I hope you are pain free soon, cos then things will not seem quite so bad.
And all your darling wee dog NEEDS is your love, he doesn't really care about walks and runs!

Grandma Tillie's Bakery said...

Pray. Heartfelt, deep down in the bones, crying out to God, I don't care who hears me, shaking your fists at the sky PRAYERS. It's darkest right before the dawn my dear and you are staring at the sun coming up. I will join with you!

And I know how you feel with Kayla. My niece that lived with us did the same thing and I was terrified she was going to get killed by some weirdo. She threw everything good about her life in the toilet and put herself in dangerous, unhealthy circumstances, just like Kayla. We sacrificed so much to be able to have her live with us and she didn't give any of it a second thought.

To keep from going crazy with fear and guilt I HAD to realize God gave us free will. There is not one thing in the universe you can do about that. I mean, really, do you want God's job? HE gave them the ability to choose, and choose they both did.

Pray for health and safety, and pray for peace for yourself about the situation. I will join you in praying for that. Then let it go. You did so much for her and she CHOSE to throw it all away. You have to remember that there are people that God can only reach for keeps when they are flat on their back and out of options, looking up at Him.

God Bless You my good friend. Email me your mailing address, O.K.? I have a little something I would like to send you that I think will brighten your day :-)

Flea said...

MPM has a good point - be good to KD. Keep praying for your granddaughter. She may be mentally ill, but you can't do anything but pray right now. So pray. And let the rest of us pray for you.

Esau lived. He married and had kids. Let God take care of your granddaughter. Let Him take care of the consequences of her actions and decisions. He can and will.

Discouraged? I eat ice cream. Or spend time with a good friend. Or read too much.

Anonymous said...

Oh Sweet Friend...

Do you remember the Dr. Seus book, "Oh the Places You'll Go"? He forgot to put in this place. The horrible rotten no good place which you are afraid you'll never get out of.

But... you will. I don't know when or how but it will happen.

Life isn't fair. Bad things happen to good people. People get sick. People live in pain. I wish it weren't so...

I am praying for you. Don't hang in there... let yourself fall into the arms of God.

I love you! Kelly

Anonymous said...

My dearest sweet Karen...I am thinking back to other times in life where the dark black clouds hung low. Remember those times? Then think about how everything would change even when it felt impossible. That's the one thing you CAN count on...change. This time too will become a bittersweet memory.
If your body says rest...then REST! Rest until you can't rest anymore :)!! The yard will always be there...when you're ready. And when you're will feel good to be digging once again in the dirt. For's not going anywhere.
The puppy will grow big and strong with your love and hugs and kisses.
Kayla needs to live her own life and learn the lessons she's meant to learn. Let go and let God!! We will all pray for her.
Sometimes the simplest thing...breathing deeply can change how my day is going. I set my alarm on my phone and every hour I take 3 to 5 really slow deep breaths. Inhale to the count of 8...hold for 4 and exhale for 8. Getting outside in the sun for at least 15 minutes everyday helps too. If it's not sunny take Vit D supplements.
The poop the bed thing...well won't we have a giggle over that when we're in our rocking chairs and reminiscing. I'm sure we'll laugh so hard we'll pee our pants ;)
Worse case scenario...gulp down some brewer's yeast and crank up some funky tunes!! That'll be sure to give you a rush and get the toe's a tapping!!
Nap away sweet my friend.
Lot's and lot's of love!

Bluebird49 said...

I had to come back and read the other comments--I knew there would be more with wonderful love and some good advice to love yourself and give yourself a big break. I so wish I had that magic "pill" to make everything all good for you right now---but you've got a lot of friends, and I know how you got them---by being KD!!

Life In a Little House said...

Sorry to hear about your struggles I will say a prayer for you and your family...Thanks for visiting with me over at my blog your dog is beautiful I have a standard poodle also. They are wonderful very smart dogs!! When I am discouraged I read my bible I draw or paint and I listen to my favorite music make Tea and eat Chocolate ~Love Heather

Karen Deborah said...

today was a bad day and I had to come back and read these again and they are just as good, again.

Tricia said...

A few days late responding because as you have read I am having a hard time lately and behind on my blog reading. In answer to your question, when I am discouraged, I purpose to be around people because I know that if I don't depression is just around the corner. And I purpose to remember the things God has done, the times that He has rescued me from the depths. Remembering the past gives the courage to face the future. There is an end to this. I am glad you are getting help. May God hold you close to His heart and whisper how much He loves you as you travel through this. Blessings.

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

I wondered once why so many things happened all at once, unpleasant, bad, angry, hurtful, worrying (with cause), family members in trouble, family members hurting, loss, financial worries, etc. And then I thought if they were spaced out we would never have a break, it would just be one thing after another...FOREVER. Hang on, the sun will shine again, and the son always shines. You are a woman of great faitha and goodness. You help others just by blogging and then they can see how a truly strong woman manages what comes her way. I'm adding you to my prayers.