We have a fire in the fireplace tonight and I am resting on the couch with my down throw blankets.
I am completely amazed at the generosity of you. Jennifer has received enough donations I think to ship what she kept which wasn't much. She said," Mom I just reduced my whole life to 14 boxes."
I reassured her that it is just stuff. We all lose stuff sometimes for different reasons, fires, floods, tornado's, anything can happen to any of us at any time. We feel secure with our stuff around us but it really isn't anything to lean on.
The children are excited, they are happy. I told them last night I am counting the days. They said that is what they did when I was coming to see them too! So sweet.
I'm sorry that I haven't been posting. I'm having a lot of trouble with my arm. I think it's time for an MRI to find out exactly what happened with my fall. I don't want to go back for more surgery but if we know what happened we know what to expect and it looks like I may have real mobility limitations. I am not giving up, we have just consistently, "hit a wall," that we can't get past. I have good days and bad days and that is just part of it. When I started all this I never thought about it affecting my hand or typing, or writing. My handwriting is nearly illegible.
Because of the time factor and how Jen and the kids were feeling she basically gave everything away, that she's leaving behind. Someone here has already given us a bunk bed set with mattresses too and she isn't even here yet. God will honor what she is doing. Her desire to be with family and back into church is the main thing. You know two years ago we wouldn't even be having these conversations. We have been estranged for nearly 10 years. I'll never forget the day I picked up the phone and heard,"Mama?" It's me Jennifer and then she poured her heart out. She asked for forgiveness she thanked me for being a good mother, it was more than I ever dreamed. I really thought it would never happen. I had given up hope. If your there, don't give up hope.
It was very hard because we were always very close all of our lives as she is my only child. I helped her raise her first two because she was so young when she had them. But she loved being a mother and she certainly wasn't scared, but two babies close together is a handful for anybody.
One of the things that I am looking forward to the most is just being the Grandma. These two don't need me to mother them. I get to just have the fun stuff, and how cool is that?!
I'll take some pictures when they get here and tell you everything. You won't believe how much weight I have lost. I don't recommend the diet of pain and suffering but I put on size 14 jeans today. WHOOO hoop. I thought I'd see if I was even close to getting in them and they weren't even snug. That was a nice surprise. I've lost weight everywhere even my fingers. Pain really kills my appetite, I just can't eat when I am hurting that bad. I don't think I'll gain it back. In fact I'm going to just keep going and get all the fat off to give my bones the relief they need. Once you get rolling and see that the scale actually does work in reverse it can be encouraging. My winter clothes are going to fit, that's nice because it has been getting chilly. Fall is here. We finally got some rain! Maybe that will encourage the leaves to change colors and we can admire the pretty colors. All the vegetation here is so accustomed to plenty of water it's freaked out, not knowing how to act.
I really do want to share with you that I have never experienced a deep major depression like that in my life. Our body, soul, mind, and spirit can all be affected by injury and pain. I went to a place I have never been to before and hope never to return. I saw the world darkly. I can't explain it, the feeling of being in the bottom of the deep, but I have been there. My heart will forever be changed to those who suffer depression. If you do please realize that it is an illness and there should be no stigma attached to it. I have gone through a lot of physical trials in my life and over come a lot. I rank depression as the worst. That place that suffering was the worst of anything. If you suffer and want to share with me I'll listen. You have to be pretty well to want to share! It's horrible. There are no bootstraps there. No "snapping out of it." That is ignorance.
I have been going to a counsellor because of all the changes and trauma in my life. I had not seen her for 3 weeks while she was away on a trip. The last time I saw her I was depressed on a scale of 1 to 10 to infinity. There was no number. This week when I went to see her I had quite a shock. All the colors in her office were different. She has an oriental type rug that I actually thought had a navy blue background, it is in reality beige. Her couch looked like a dark maroon, it is actually light rust. The paint looked different the entire room was lighter. As Spock would say, "fascinating Captain." I am intrigued by that. It would be an amazing research project to study the effects of major depression on the senses.
neuro transmitters and brain synapses. It was good for me to try and engage my mind to think and learn a bit about what was happening to me.
Maybe something strange has happened to you when your depressed. If you'd feel comfortable sharing it I'd like to know.
So here we are 5 days and counting. I would kill the fatted calf and have a party but instead I'm going to roast a turkey and my darling friend Ericka is going to decorate with balloons and a welcome sign. After they get settled we'll have a party. I may even have to have a party in a messy house. I am grateful for all the help I have received. It really is better to give then to receive it's much easier to give. I am learning to be gracious and just say yes, followed by lots of heartfelt thank yous. I pray that your giving brings a hundred fold blessing to you.
For those of you who have given to Jennifer, it has blessed her heart so much, she is just stunned and very very grateful. Maybe she'll post a bit and you can get to know her that would be fun.
I want to thank you for still being there even with long absences and gloomy Eeyore posts. I think my blog friends are some of the best friends I have and I love you.