Friday, February 27, 2009

Just Resting.

I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth; just into the bowels of an ICU unit. Actually it's coming together pretty well. I am getting used to the routine and the business of the unit. The hardest adjustment for me is in looking at the patients in terms of their monitors. I would do more with people that the other nurses veto. For example an old demented lady who really wanted to get up to go to the bathroom. I would've put her on a commode chair. the other nurses thought she might code. I thought the stress and confusion was more detrimental than getting up, but I was outnumbered and stood down. I'm not always right, even if I think so. After 3 shifts in a row my week is done but so am I! My ankles were so swollen I was walking slowly to my car and it took a day and half for it to go away. Shoot fire I AM getting old. My ankles swell in the heat like in Colombia but they haven't swollen that bad before just from working. It's ridiculous to get up at 4:30 in the morning and get home between 7:30 and 8pm at night. Those are farmers hours aren't they? What we do to put the bacon on the table.

Speaking of bacon is it my imagination or are food prices jumping up AGAIN? I was browsing canned goods looking for sales and everything was so high. $1.00 is a sale price for a 16oz can of chili? i don't even buy that but didn't that used to be something cheap? It seemed to me that nothing was a good price. I had a small cart load and it was still $100. I'm going back to my roots and cooking more and more like my mother. We are eating more beans and they are good. I'm teaching the girls more about scratch cooking. I never have bought many processed food but the way things are going I'm taking more and more items off of my list each week. I am sorry for the companies and the job losses but the government that we have elected (as a people) is making hasty decisions that are dangerous.

I am currently in a study of Daniel with David Jeremiah. He has been drawing some very clear parallels between Daniels experience with the two kingdoms he served under and our nation. We are apparently part of nation in decline. An immoral nation that has lost it's way. We are more concerned about WHO we know to accomplish our purposes, rather than WHAT we are; a people ruled by integrity and Godly principles. Daniel had an excellent spirit. He was not shaken by the circumstances around him. He is one of the few characters in the Bible in whom no fault is found.
I am grateful for impetuous Peter and David who sinned, but even so was a man after God's own heart. I can relate to the fallen, imperfect and flawed. But I can ASPIRE to have heart like Daniels. No matter what happened to him, he continued to abide with God in the same manner and in the same way each day. He was unfazed by his current events. He showed no fear to be thrown to lions.

What would I do? Truthfully if I was being thrown to hungry man eating lions I would crap my pants and scream in terror. I don't have that kind of faith. I am not even close to being a person of God that Daniel was. I want to be though. Times are going to get worse. I don't want my heart to be blown about by the fears of these times. I can trust in my God. There are many gods, and men give their hearts to them. Some of these gods are power, money, wealth, the Earth and nature, philosophies and man's intellect to name a few; but these are not the gods I serve.
In Rome there was a monument made to honor the unknown God. Paul used that as an opportunity to tell the people of his God the living God. Jesus Christ. Many religions are created because of man reaching out to gods, but only Jesus reached his hand out for man. He lives and breathes and conquered death. His words are living and true. He changes lives and He changed me. There is no formal prayer, no fancy speech to find him. It's simple and because of that many loose their way. It seems to simple.

So how did I find God?

Better phrased, how did God find me?

I was raised in a Lutheran church and went to a parochial school until high school so I learned about the Bible. In high school my parents went through a nasty divorce and my mom lost her mind. My brothers and I all got into trouble in our own way. I ended up pregnant at 16 and after I had my baby I became a hippie and drifted into the culture of drugs, sex, and rock and roll. I'm not proud of that. I wish I had a story of loving God all my life and having parents that loved God and kept me safe till I was grown, but that is not my story.

By the time I was 30 I had married a psycho, my child was victimized, another young teen that lived with us was also under his insane clutches. I was desperate and scared. My mind was beaten down into a non functional state, my nerves gone, decision making almost lost, and defeat was close, my guilt enormous. I was barely hanging on to my sanity.

I worked two jobs then. I had an old folks home in a house next door , and also traveled around doing hair. I started the hair business on a bicycle. I did hair for shut-ins. I worked about 6hours doing that and then came home to cook dinner for the folks next door, and help them to bed.

One day at one of my hair customers home's I met Susie. She was a newly hired nurse aide for Vee a sweet little old lady. While Vee was under the hair dryer, I kept looking at Susie. I swear to you she was lit with a different light than anything I had ever seen before. We had just met and I had an overwhelming compulsion to tell her about my life. I hadn't told anyone how truly awful my life had become. The story spilled like a torrential flood, bathed in foul expressions and tears. She just looked at me and said one thing,"You need God." I wondered, really? Is that it?
She invited me to her church and I decided to go. Later she told me how surprised she was that I came. Most people don't. I couldn't imagine why, unless they were not as desperate as I was.

I didn't have the vocabulary to know what happened there. All I knew was, that man who was speaking, talked like he had been peaking into the windows of my home. I was exposed. Somehow he knew everything. I would come to understand later that he knew nothing at all, the Holy Spirit of God was revealing that HE was the one who knew me. Just as He knows everything about everyone in the whole world. Incomprehensible isn't it, omniscience? But true, as it was proven that day, the beginning of many proofs. I did nothing that day but listen. they gave me a packet of materials and inside were many items of information. There was also a little booklet. As I read it I began weeping, my heart was breaking, totally, completely as the truth directed it's revealing light all over the darkness in my soul. There were 2 diagrams in the booklet. Each was a circle. One circle showed the center with self on a throne, and radiating from that throne in all directions was chaos. The other circle had Jesus in the center on a throne of a mans heart, and that life was ordered. The pictures spoke to me. The words had pierced me and I went to my living room floor and knelt down. Somehow I fumbled my way, because no sooner had I called His name when he came and met me there. I am so grateful that I found Jesus that way, just me and him. I didn't have to worry about how I looked, or the sobs, I didn't have to worry about how much time I was using up. In fact I lost track of time altogether. I had a Judy Collins record and she had sung Amazing Grace on it. I pulled it out and played it about 50 times, still weeping but tears full of peace. Jesus met me, and I gave him my heart and my life. He has proved himself more times than I can count. Even though I fail him continually. When I fail, I know he will forgive and still love.

I so desire to become a rock of faith like Daniel. I so desire to have integrity that no one can find fault with. But I also desire to know many people, to share with them this gift. Jesus said that narrow is the way and straight the path, and few find it. Not that it is exclusive far from it, Jesus would have ALL if they would have him. But few want him. We chose ourselves. We worry we will be weirdos, we worry we won't have fun, we worry we're being duped, and a whole host of other stupid traps. It takes coming to the end of oneself. It takes a crisis or some life shaking event to get us to even think differently, we are such creatures of habit.

Do you even have a Bible? If you do is it written in a language easy to understand?
Are your opinions formed by studying this man Jesus yourself or from what others have said?
The hardest person for the Lord to reach is one who says he has no need. The good person, the one whose life is not a mess, who feels they are on course and are fine. The problem is that no man is perfect and that is the standard. The word sin simply means to miss the mark, to not hit a bulls eye. The bulls eye is holiness, perfection. At times I have eaten something that seemed close to perfect, but my behavior has never come close. God knows our thoughts, every action, every secret thing, from our entire lives. No one can make the mark. Many will chose to be judged on their merits. I know who I am and only ask for mercy, and bless the day I found it.

If you would like a Bible in an easy to understand translation to make up your own mind for yourself, just say so in a comment. It would be my joy to give you one.


Angela said...

I'm so glad I was able to get here to read your beautiful post before the 'babies' were up from their nap...AWESOME. I love Dr. David Jermiah. I watch him on tv quite often and have heard him on the radio...I loved the part about crappin yourself when facing the lions..LOL..yepper, I can totally relate. Thanks for pointing the way to Christ, thanks for sharing your heart..and thanks for being you..((hugs))

MaBunny said...

Glad all is going well in the ICU! Hope your ankles get better used to the stress!

Heidi said...

Girl you really moved me today... Thank you for being SO open about your life - you are my insperation most days!

Laura ~Peach~ said...

oh i hate the swollen ankles...
I have a question...its something i have never understood... I read the King James version of the bible. and Many years ago I cant recall when or exactly where but I was told that before I read pray for the understanding of what I read and I actually wrote that down in a blank spot... I also highlight and write in the margins and when the pages are full I get another one and start again, I have never had trouble understanding anything, Does that mean I have all the answers NO WAY far from it but God promised me the understanding that I need when I need it and I do get that. I bought a what do you call it... new translation anyway Some things in it do confuse me because there are no english words that translate to the original to the question... HA. Do you think we are ever ment to totally understand everything in the bible while here on earth?
Do you ever listen to jack van impe? great post I love how your mind works :)

Karen Deborah said...

No Peach, many things are left to be mysteries and I love that. I think it is true that the natural man cannot discern the things of God because they are foolishness to him. I use different translations for different purposes. I think that "The Message," is very good for those who know very little or have never read. It is really cool for a devotion or just a bit of a different perspective. Translations that are very accurate for study are also important. I use the New American Standard. I really avoid the arguments "which translation is the most accurate," it is important to have accuracy! I think God can use what He wants to use. I have heard stories of people coming to know God from having a single page of scripture. What I am convinced of, is the life changing message that can reach out to ALL people.

Grandma Tillie's Bakery said...

Hey! Glad to see you back and I love this post. Thank you for letting God speak through you. I am reading the Message again, just for some easy reading. I love how it's just like a story and I feel close to the people in the story because it's so easy to follow.

I really am very happy to see you back and I do hope you are sitting with your ankles up :-)


farmlady said...

I sure hope that your job gets easier and your ankles settle down. When you get home try sticking your feet in the air. Lay down on the floor and prop them up on a wall. Do this for at least 10 mins. It really works.
The Old Testament was originally written in Hebrew( and some Aramaic), and the New Testament was written in Greek. How can you be sure that what you're reading is the "true meaning" if you don't understand the original language?

imbeingheldhostage said...

aaaah, you asked too many things and my mind can't hold onto them all. So... yes, food prices are going up and supposedly will continue to do so as gas rises again-- you figure it out, they never went down when gas went down, but will go up as it rise...hmmm.

I am a rare processed food buyer and am still finding it very hard to get out of the store with enough to feed my family on a budget from just last year. Amazing.

Debbie in CA : ) said...

Rest sweet friend . . . just rest in Him.

Today I will practice my craft of cooking with a roast chicken and veggies. Yum! Last night I took Noble Pigs Ginger Cookie recipe and dovetailed it with my persimmon pudding recipe (tossed out the persimmons and added molasses and ginger) topped with a dollop of freshly-whipped cream and enjoyed a delicious new creation. We all just called it MMMMmmmmmmm . . .

That's what makes life good -- those times when we are together saying MMMMmmmmm . . . and smiling from ear to ear in the joyful moment. I've given up the news crawl (lies, ** lies, and lying statistics as far as I can tell) and avoid the screaming bloggers. I want real, wholesome, unprocessed interaction -- like my food.

Bibles of all stripes spill from my shelves, baskets, and piles. King James (with all its noted flaws) still delights my heart. Yes, accuracy counts; yes immediate understanding counts; no, no Bible solves the mystery and nails the translation -- SO . . . I run to Him in prayer with the assurance that THAT is genuinely perfectly accurate. I will never engage in argument or defense of My Lord in my life -- perfection needs no explanation or shield. My JOY rescued me from the past need to defend. I am who I am because He IS. Amen.

I'm off to have a cup of tea and make some bread. Simple life = GOOD life (it's always has been there, but America is only rediscovering that because the blinding money/easy has been erased FOR HIS GLORY). Let's live up to the limit with JOY. Buy less, pay more = Today's reality. His Grace is sufficient for me = ETERNAL reality. Which do you choose? : D

Karen Deborah said...

Wow Deb that's a post on the post. Great points, and I concur. That is my new ICU word. CONCUR.

Farmlady if you would like a Bible I'll give you one and you can read it yourself.

And yes putting your feet up on a wall does work because the secret is to get them higher than your heart in way shape, or fashion. Just thought you might enjoy the answer to how and why it does work.

and to anybody else lurking out there,..ya'll come back now hear!

Government Funded Blogger said...

Impressive post. I will put your blog on my follow list

Unknown said...

Wow. What a powerful post. I will be praying for you and your long shifts this week.

Anonymous said...

Wat a wonderful post that gives me great pleasure to know others are thinking as I do. My husband and I are Christians and we love Dr. Jeremiah. He tells it like it is, and his recent sermons have been outstanding. We do all miss the mark by far, but Jesus was perfect and His blood covers our sins and makes us white as snow. I don't unerstand all the Bible by far, but I do understand that it is God's Holy Word and He will reveal it to any who look or understandinng and want to know His Son. The way IS narrow--but people's hearts are cold and we all really want our own way a lot. I'm so glad that Jesus loves me--I wouldn't want to be in a world where I couldn't have Him to put His mercy and grace over me to save me from my sins.

Thank you for your truly honest and amazing posts. I got here form KEEP BELIEVING after I read what you wrote to Angie. Her faith is wonderful annd so is yours. I feel mine is so weak at times, but God's grace is sufficient. I certainly don't want ot be judged for my merits, but only by the blood of Jesus--I believe it is the only way.

farmlady said...

I have a bible and I read it. I just have a different view of all this and I believe you should put everything into perspective. Even Jesus had moments of doubt.