Where is hope? Life has been so full of other families, other people, arms reaching out for some help, comfort and understanding. I'll never get used to watching old couples part as the first one to die leaves. I realize as I watch his small face with drooping eyelids blurry with tears and sorrow, how he almost stumbles to her empty shell to say farewell; that this is my biggest fear.
We aren't supposed to have fear if we have faith, but I do. I used to be independent, once upon a time long ago. There was a time that I hung onto it fiercely with defiance, it's my way or the highway.
Not anymore, now it's our way. Our marriage is a three fold cord not easily broken. We are us wrapped up with God and Jesus is always here. The Holy Spirit teaches, leads, fills, and comforts, so why do I hang onto this fear? Fear of the unravelling cord, of being the one left, the unkown of how to go back when you can never go back and the future imagined is a lake of tears.
For years I have asked that we die together because I don't want that lesson in pain.
Watching my friend, as his heart breaks, my heart hurts for him. I hear that quiet voice in myself, "Do you trust me?" Yes Lord, I do. and that is all.
I don't know what the future holds. I only know that I want to keep on this path of letting go. You see I am insatiable. There is never enough stuff. There is never enough pretty clothes, shoes, furniture, trinkets, nice cars, better houses, never never enough. As soon as one pretty bauble is slightly old it loses it's luster and is discarded for another just out of reach and it is sheer misery.
Learning to walk by faith however is the opposite, it is scary, exciting and always amazing when what I hoped for and thought about comes my way. I know it isn't happen chance it is provision. When I have resisted spending money on a new bed quilt and it is given to me. Even prettier than imagined and the sheets I actually needed were a Christmas gift this year and so unexpected. When the dog I love and struggled so much with and for, to keep and train and could not do it enough or right; finds a perfect home, and I was not looking. When God brings the family to your door and they are perfect and kind and this serious dog cannot stop wagging his tail at them and my heart breaks watching him fall in love with someone else, at the same time being thankful that it is just this way.
Learning with the Daniel fast that food addictions can be broken and bodies can feel better.
Seeing that needs are met if patience can hold out long enough to allow God to do what He will do. When I let him drive the car of my life and quit saying turn left here and just go for the ride. Stretching, growing and the fear of being left behind and not knowing what to do is less than it was, realizing it is a journey and grace is given when we need it. Believing that eternal arms are really there to lean on.
Because as I am turning lose of my life as I have fashioned it, with the things I have clung to, I realize this makes me mobile and available. Who knows I may end up with a back pack in another country at some point in the future; but the point is it doesn't matter where or when. I am already on the journey.
As I have pondered Jesus life, something very obvious has become clear to me. I admit I can be slow but it sometimes the simplest things right under our noses that are the easiest to miss. Jesus didn't minister from a high and lofty place. He came down here and dwelt among us. He didn't even have a house. He just had the clothes on his back and he went among the people who needed him, and who were those? People most of us don't want to hang with, dirty, messy screwed up sick people. Jesus lived like a street person a bum, and he ministered to the unlovely and the messy. HE came for people like me.
We really can't make a difference from far away we have to be with. We have to live with and walk with, be there. If we really want to be like Him and live like Him then we have to be willing to be led into anything.
I need Him and I want Him. I want more of Him. More trust less fear, more faith less doubt, more life less waste, more peace, more hope, more kindness, more goodness, more self control, more generosity, more meaning, more touching, more giving, more of the only life that satisfies me, sharing who set me free.
You see I am still insatiable but what I want now brings life giving hope not frustration. Freely pouring out my life and talents for mercies sake has a joy no paycheck can give. Being able to spend as much time as I need to without parameters, that is freedom.
Doing all as unto Jesus, pure joy.
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