Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Who Is In Charge Here?
I can't imagine what it would be like to be a kid and not be able to go back home.
Today I am freaking out.
My heart is breaking all over again and I feel like I could lose my mind.
The hardest thing in the world for me is to let go.
The hardest thing for me is to not be in control.
The hardest thing for me is to wonder about all of these decisions and choices; and stay out of it.
The hardest thing is still not knowing anything about what is wrong with Kayla. Or what she can really be expected to do.
I went and saw her today.
If it was my call, I'd say the hospital dumped her. I'd say this is the wrong place. For one thing it is co-ed. It's like a half way house where people have 3 hots and a cot and one year to become independent.
OK, so it's what it is. I am not the one in charge here. Like I said that is the hardest thing.
I don't know what Kayla can do really. I have worked very hard to train her and teach her.
The house mother said she could tell. We talked for a bit, I answered her questions and she gave me the papers with the house rules. They have internet access with monitoring systems on them.
It's in a rough neighborhood. It borders the ghetto. Kayla is in a tiny little room with a very small chest of drawers and half a closet. She sleeps on the top bed of a twin sized bunk bed. She shares a room with a 19 year old who has a one month old baby. Kayla is not to big on babies. I hope she has patience with a newborn crying at night. Whew, I really have anxiety over this. I was hoping for a place that was all women and where she would have a lot of supervision. I told the house mother that. I told her Kayla can easily be victimized. She is willing to work with her and that is a blessing.
The rule list is awesome. The structure for the day is very good and no messing around with breaking the rules. It's all very no nonsense. It could be just the right thing. Dear God please calm me down,
help me to trust.
What a change from her beautiful room here. What a change from our beautiful home.
She misses her cat.
Of course she complained about the food.
She hasn't got to the place yet where she can just be thankful not to be hungry.
I know I am not in control.
I have to let go and I just want to say forget it, this is all just a bad dream now let's wake up, and bring her home.
If I did that we would be right back where we started.
She won't listen to me.
She would be "good" for a couple of days and then go right back to her agenda of risky behavior.
So here we are, right in the middle of it.
I am amazed at the letters some of you have written to me of trials you have faced.
We all have a lot of hurts. Sometimes it takes one of us to pull down our masks for a minute and then others do too. It's risky to be real. It's risky to let others know your life isn't as pretty on the inside as it looks on the outside.
Shoot fire it's just risky to live.
So today is a day to wrestle with anxiety, who knows what tomorrow will bring?
And don't forget the give away.
Ya'll sign up for those seeds!