Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Who Is In Charge Here?

There is no place like home.
I can't imagine what it would be like to be a kid and not be able to go back home.

Today I am freaking out.

My heart is breaking all over again and I feel like I could lose my mind.

The hardest thing in the world for me is to let go.
The hardest thing for me is to not be in control.
The hardest thing for me is to wonder about all of these decisions and choices; and stay out of it.

The hardest thing is still not knowing anything about what is wrong with Kayla. Or what she can really be expected to do.

I went and saw her today.

If it was my call, I'd say the hospital dumped her. I'd say this is the wrong place. For one thing it is co-ed. It's like a half way house where people have 3 hots and a cot and one year to become independent.

OK, so it's what it is. I am not the one in charge here. Like I said that is the hardest thing.
I don't know what Kayla can do really. I have worked very hard to train her and teach her.
The house mother said she could tell. We talked for a bit, I answered her questions and she gave me the papers with the house rules.  They have internet access with monitoring systems on them.
It's in a rough neighborhood. It borders the ghetto. Kayla is in a tiny little room with a very small chest of drawers and half a closet.  She sleeps on the top bed of a twin sized bunk bed. She shares a room with a 19 year old who has a one month old baby.  Kayla is not to big on babies. I hope she has patience with a newborn crying at night. Whew, I really have anxiety over this. I was hoping for a place that was all women and where she would have a lot of supervision. I told the house mother that. I told her Kayla can easily be victimized. She is willing to work with her and that is a blessing.

The rule list is awesome. The structure for the day is very good and no messing around with breaking the rules. It's all very no nonsense.  It could be just the right thing. Dear God please calm me down,
help me to trust.

What a change from her beautiful room here. What  a change from our beautiful home.
She misses her cat.

Of course she complained about the food.
She hasn't got to the place yet where she can just be thankful not to be hungry.

I know I am not in control.
I have to let go and I just want to say forget it, this is all just a bad dream now let's wake up, and bring her home.
If I did that we would be right back where we started.
I can't.
She won't listen to me.
She would be "good" for a couple of days and then go right back to her agenda of risky behavior.

So here we are, right in the middle of it.
I am amazed at the letters some of you have written to me of trials you have faced.
We all have a lot of hurts. Sometimes it takes one of us to pull down our masks for a minute and then others do too. It's risky to be real. It's risky to let others know your life isn't as pretty on the inside as it looks on the outside.

Shoot fire it's just risky to live.

So today is a day to wrestle with anxiety, who knows what tomorrow will bring?

And don't forget the give away.
Ya'll sign up for those seeds!


Julie Harward said...

I had to learn this lesson...the lesson of letting go...years ago and have learned it well with more than one of mine. There is nothing stronger than is such an awesome gift from to life itself in importance. Satan wanted to force everyone..all of us here on earth voted for free agency, along with our Savior Jesus Christ. Keep praying, keep loving...she will find her way, and it has to be her way, this is her life. God so loves her and she will be him. Love ya :D

Rita said...

I am proud of you. This may very well be the hardest thing you ever do. It will reap rewards over time. You must remember that she will not listen to you. In a way I know she would not understand she made this choice. Pray for her then as much as you can leave her in God's care.

Twisted Fencepost said...

Hang in there, Karen.
Sometimes tough love is harder for the giver than the receiver.
I'm praying this may be just what she needs.

Karen Deborah said...

You are all absolutely right. This is much harder on me. I am also realizing how spoiled rotten she is.
I even wash her clothes for pity sake.

Jeanie said...

I'm so sorry to hear that yesterday's hope has turned to fear for you. I'm sorry that sometimes there just aren't answers, at least no answers the WE can see. Keep your faith and stay strong by taking care of yourself. You and Kayla are in the pryers of many.

Chris H said...

Poor girl, poor you. I hope it all turns out eventually for the good.

as for your laptop... you can buy a pad that keeps your laptop cool now.. it's amazing! I don't have one...YET.

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

You know, there is a story in the Book of Mormon where a disobedient son was visited by and angel and lay unconscious for days. When he "came to" he changed his life--he had actually had conversations with the Savior. I have thought every disobedient child should have that experience. Have actually prayed for it but everyone must go through their own "stuff." A counselor once said--of my daughter--she's determined to learn the hard way. Oh how my soul grieves for you and loves you. God loves you and he loves her. Keep being full of faith and when you can't spill it all out here and your friends will rally. I'm praying for all of you.

Mental P Mama said...

Always here for you. I think it's always harder to be the one doling out the consequences than actually living with them. I hope that hospital did not miss anything...I am here.

The Quintessential Magpie said...

I pray that you will have peace over this whole situation. I pray protection over Kayla and prayers for a good outcome. Hang onto His hand.



farmlady said...

You and Kayla are in my thoughts and prayers, Karen. This is more than folks should have to go through.

Everyone has a path. Some have a much harder one than others. Maybe Kayla will get some help from the chaos of this hospital that is not evident to you right now. I pray that she is, at the very least, diagnosed and given treatment that will help her to find a balance in her life.

Bluebird49 said...

Wow--I'm kinda with you on this--I think she was dumped. I wonder how much help she's going to get...but you've been, you've seen, you've talked with the person who runs it.

Yes, she's going to miss all the things she has had, and I wonder if she WILL understand the repercussions of her actions, or if she even has the ability yet to understand. I know that bothers you, too.

Right now, though, you can take a tiny break from it...knowing you can't do anymore than you're doing---praying!

I'm praying with you.

Unknown said...
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joanne said...

I'm so proud of you little mama. There will be a day when Kayla gets all this worked out and she will thank you for standing up for her. I'm here, I wish I was closer, but I'm here in thought and prayer. love you lady.

Kat said...

I hate to say it, but this place actually sounds perfect for her. It could be just what she needs. Kids get so caught up in their own lives. This helps them to see just how hard other people have it too. It could make her grateful for what she HAS HAD all her life. And it will definitely make her more independent.
God knows what He is doing. You gotta trust that. But being a control lover myself, I know how hard that it.
Continued prayers!