Saturday, March 3, 2012


It seems to me that I don't do much anymore. I haven't taken my camera out for awhile even though the side of the house has been just full of double narcissus blooms and cilantro. I have so much cilantro this year because it never got cold. The second sprouting which usually gets killed by frost never got killed by frost. My inner rabbit comes out when I walk by and just pinch off a little sprig or two or three and just eat it.

I have been sick for a week. It amazes me how one week can feel like one month but it has only been a week. Last Saturday in the night I felt myself coming down with an ugly bug. I knew it was nothing to mess with. Monday morning at 8am I presented myself at my doctor's office as a walk in. Sometimes it is best to forget playing the game lest you find yourself going directly to hospital and not collecting $200. I don't have any "get out of jail free" cards.

One week later I have red hair because I was bored. It needs some streaks in it. I'll work on that.
My natural hair used to be an auburn light brown color. I have become so used to blond that I feel weird in any other color.

I am using a lot of words to talk about nothing.

If you are still here I am going to talk about what is really on my mind. I guess that is my way of getting the "small talk" out of the way.

I am at a place in my life where I need inspiration and motivation to engage in life again in some meaningful way. I used to blog everyday and now maybe once a month? I used to take pictures, garden, read, write, cook, create....and now?

Well really now I'd just as soon stay in bed. I'm not depressed either, just sick.
Lacking motivation is not depression it's just lacking motivation.

I'm at another crossroads in my life where I have to find something interesting to do.
I do enjoy this jewelry business. It really is fun. The best part is giving the hostess her total in free jewelry. What a company, no one gives like they do. I do enjoy this new business.  I guess I have always liked jewelry. Even as a poor younger woman I could find some money for a beautiful piece of silver. I have always loved bracelets.


Now I have gobs of them. I do take the price tags off before wearing them. Minnie Pearl was a one of a kind. I liked her hillbilly style. You do not have to be "cool" for me to like you. Nerds are welcome.

Back to interests. I still love to garden but my body does not. I have lost the bug war. Now in spring which by the way is here already; instead of pouring through the catalogs I imagine the late summer mangled mess of plants grown together sticky with disease and loaded with bugs. That kills any ideas of starting anything. I can't take the disappointment. Twelve years of battling with the bugs of the south and guess what? The bugs win. I can't bring myself to nuclear war. I don't want to win at any cost. Winning with generous quantities of sevin dust is losing the war in my book.
Besides I can't weed enough to justify doing much of anything.  Just like that it happens, the end of a way of life by rationalization.  The gardener is no more.

The children too have left the nest. I'd actually like to shrink the nest to keep the fledglings flying. We are at a point in life where it's nice for it to be just the 2 of us.

Plus dogs. Sammy will not be left out all 35 pounds of him, Lil Sampson.

I love the dogs. Roman is having all kinds of issues he has skin allergies and he chews himself into a MESS. It isn't food because I have tried all kinds of grain free diets and changed his proteins. He's just itchy and then he gets infected and GAH what a MESS!!!! We went to the vet AGAIN yesterday for his legs and really he is just pitiful.  I have a friend out in Colorado Springs that has 2 poodles. If she decides she wants him I'm going to let her have him. She has a good job and could keep up with the vet visits. I wonder too if he changes his climate if he will do better? Sampson is enough dog for me.
He is my baby, and his cuteness factor is off the Richter scale. It helps that he eats 2 cups of dog food a day. Going through 6 cups of dog food a day is just plain expensive.

The kids took the cats so if Roman goes west it  will be me and you and a dog named .....travelling and living off the land?

I want to find a beach town. I'd like to go back to Santa Cruz.
I want to go back.
I shop on Zillow all the time.
We could get a mobile home.
Heck I'd sign up for HUD and wait for housing for the old folks.
I want to grow the plants that grow near the Pacific.
Lobelia and lots of it, Roses of Sharon, lillie's, roses, fuchsia's begonias.....
I can see them all scattered together in my mind...the blues, purples, pinks and varieties of green foliage.
Having a house doesn't matter to me so much anymore. We came out here to own a home and live cheap. We have owned a home. It's more like the home owns us.
I just don't need it anymore.
I really don't want it anymore.

California has been singing to me.
My husband isn't hearing it. He's happy I think.
I don't know how he can stand being away from his grand kids.

Now that is something we are both very good at.
We know how to be grandparents.

Saturdays in Santa Cruz the farmers market will be busy. The farmers market there is a sensory overload of beauty. Flowers, vegetables, fresh baked goods, wines, a plethora of gorgeousness to tantalize all ones senses. It's an experience.

I loved taking my granddaughters to the farmers market.
I'd like to take MM to the market. She is 5 years old now.
She is at just the right age to enjoy walking around and shopping, thinking about dinner and what would taste good.

I just realized how long this post is getting. I don't have any way of wrapping it up either. There is no wrap up. It's not settled.

I'm at another crossroads. Which way will WE go?


Linda said...

I love the 'roads' you take us on! So interesting. I'm retired, and don't really want to do anything, either. I read, watch TV, play on the internet. I sometimes paint cards, too. Our grandkids are all 6 hours away. We did find out that #13 is on the way! The more, the merrier, or something like that!

Stay well!

farmlady said...

I'm sorry that you're sick. It's the time of the year. I was too for a couple of weeks. Take care of yourself.
You have talked about California since I first started reading your blog. You really need to have a long talk with your hubby. I think you are suffering from homesickness.
California is calling you.

joanne said...

what ever you choose do it for's time. You time. Feel better soon and try to get out a little more. Fresh air, sunshine, cool breeze..oh yeah, that CA again. better go!

Janie Fox said...

I am sorry you are sick. I ma starting my 3 rd week of this lung crud. I am feeling a bit better but still would love to lay in the sun and just rest. The sun is out today. I plan to soak a bit of it in!

Heather said...

Well I feel for ya I know what that is all about we are really at a crossroads as well. Were going to head back to California and I am thrilled I will be praying for you. I love the red hair you looks so cute as a red head!! it really suits you. Oh that is such a bummer about Roman. We sent bear and Lucy off to bootcamp for the week to get trained. They both have been doing pretty good with all this traveling but they needed some more socializing so we can bring them with us when we go on hikes and to the coffee shop. Hang in there God is good I am sure you will have some direction and motivation soon. Love Heather

Kathy said...

well, first of all, you look great either blonde or redhead. I'm so blah lately,I'm thinking about letting the grey roots take over my entire head. May as well look my age, I do believe it is my 'sick' talking. I am sorry you are ill too. I am thinking that it sounds like we may be 'neighbors' one of these days. Dog allergies are Frustrating! Thanks for your comments!

Bluebird49 said...

I like your hair-it looks good. I know about the crossroads thinking I'dlove to move nearer to my son, and he's all about helping us do that. Those grand kids are growing up so fast, and they won't be as interested in nestling up close to us when they're 14 and 10, I know that. I'm missing them all the time. But--hubby's NOT interested in leaving this little piece of sod we've lived on for 46 years. I'd live in an RV to be near them everyday--but I'm not feeling he's ever going to change his mind--so what do good wives do, Karen? If Jimmy has already decided that he WOULDN'T be happy moving--who's going to do the compromising?? Sorry Roman isn't working out--you loved him so much when you got him. He's a big guy, isn't he! get well--you've got a trip to take, Girl!