Maybe Shopping?

I read an add about a piece of property about a half hour drive from here. It's out in the country.

This is a loft in the middle sized cabin. This property has a main cabin and 2 others in close proximity to each other. There are also 2 little cabins whose foundations are in desperate need of repair or forget about it, and let them fall down. They could be nice though and they have good hardwood floor in them. They would be great for studio's or workshops. I didn't take a picture of them. 5 buildings in all.

This is the outside of the 2 medium cabins joined by a concrete patio.

The laundry hook up is in the main cabin and everywhere you look there is DIRT. This a utility closet for the washer and dryer.

and beauty, 5 acres of beauty and it's quiet. I took this from the upstairs and there is a sliding glass door. No deck or balcony yet.

This is one of the views from the upstairs in the main cabin. This makes me want to clean this place up. My hunny says it would take 10 years. He looked at me and said, 'When would I ever rest"? All of these beams are dry, everything needs cleaning and oiling or varnish. It needs something. But it is outrageously cool. This room is like a chapel. I would hang cool quilts over the railings. I can see us in this place and I love the picture in my head. I get great ideas but never know how much work is involved. Like the project the hunny just did. He did an amazing job and it took him about 3 weeks to get it done. Would this really take 10 years?

The other side of this room has this little loft, perfect for a reading nook. The beams are yellow long pine and they were salvaged from a cotton warehouse that was built on these timbers. They are termite proof and about 150 years old. The trees grow about 1/4 inch per year so it is very hard and strong. The floors have a gorgeous patina.

The downstairs, this is a shot of the wall and ceiling, a real cabin with chinking. I love it.

The downstairs main cabin. I would ask for that bed frame to be left there in a deal, it's a beautiful bed. There are two small closets lined with cedar chip board, smells good. I would like this area to be the main dining area with hutches and some seating. We would make the upstairs a living room and the loft a book nook. We'd have our bedroom in the middle cabin and an office over there.

Stairs going up to the main loft. These photos don't show all the dirt and how dry everything is. We would have to get gallons of oil. I think we should take a pressure washer inside and have at it and then vacuum up water with a shop vac. Maybe the oil or sealer could go on with a sprayer.

One bathroom, it works, that's all I can say for it. There is also a full bath in the smaller cabin. Kayla would have that, she could have her own little house in the woods. It's my least favorite of them all it needs something and I haven't got any brainstorms on that yet.

The kitchen actually has a dishwasher but I couldn't figure out anyplace for a refrigerator to go. In a pinch we could just use this as is. But if we were in a position to put money into it I would tear all this down up to the main cabin and build a new kitchen, bathroom, laundry room, and master bedroom, plus a half bath. This place could be amazing but it would take money and work. Sweat equity.

The main cabin, the foundation is concrete block couldn't be sturdier. It says build a wrap around porch, don't you think?

Another view from outside.

It comes with 2 dogs I guess. The owner is an old man. He comes and feeds the dogs every day and they have a blast running the acreage. They are friendly guard dogs. We didn't have any trouble snooping around and they loved Jimmy. All animals love him and I am the dog lover, go figure.

I looked at it because it's less than our house. Running numbers we could maybe make $30,000 selling ours and buying this. That is not including what we would spend on it except for cleaning it. Spending would be a question of if, and when we have the money, not borrowing to make it great. There are a lot of questions. It's on a septic tank, there is no central air or heat. He has little window air conditioners everywhere and portable heaters. We could build a big fireplace in the medium cabin and put a wood stove in the main one. The air conditioner is a question. How much does it cost to run all those? If we added on we could put a central air unit in the addition.

We could just live in it and clean it, if we wanted to buy it. It's not so bad that you can't just clean up and move in. We would have to build a bathroom and a closet on the medium cabin and get a wood stove before winter. It would be so cozy in the winter.

It's very unique. The wood inside is just amazing. I love the setting, the property is beautiful. It is a big mess and needs to be cleaned up,(how many times have I said that?) by a small army of strong men. The driveway needs to be graded and gravel put down. It would be a country place. If I can go back to work we could really fix it up. If I couldn't we could live there and enjoy what there is. We would be able to reduce our debt load by the $30,000 which would make living on the hunny's income manageable. I would finally get to live in my cabin in the country.

I don't think I am not going to work anymore. I will work. So the real question is would this place work my husband to absolute death? He thinks it might. It's so pretty out there, but my first reaction was to run. Then today when I went back I liked it more. Would I really like being a country woman? 5 acres is the perfect size. It is a rectangle shape and all usable land. The soil seems very healthy. Our place in Felton was a horrible mess when we got that. It's what made the price tag where we could afford it. This one has a good price tag too.

Jimmy found some kind of big bug shell, I don't know what it was, something horrid. He put it on his head and when I looked at him I just started freaking out. Youurrrr HEEEAAADDDD!!!! He was asking me to get it off and I was yelping "I CAN'T!" Totally freaked me out. Of course about the time I have peed myself he busts up laughing and shows me it is a shell. Looked like a small crawdad, maybe it was an old june bug. Lord have mercy, nearly gave me a heart attack. We also found a little bitty tree frog, that was fun.

So that is how we spent some of our Saturday, looking at this place and thinking it over. We came back to our nice clean house and I just sighed. To buy or not to buy that is the question.

Treasured Gifts

My birthday was last month and as always my English Auntie had big surprises for me.
When the package comes I know it is going to be special, because she always makes it herself, or it is some heirloom treasure she has saved. My heart will beat a bit faster with the anticipation of a child on Christmas morning. I love that feeling of expectant glee.

Ooooo and the first thing is this beautiful hand made piece of linen with it's story written out in a note. It was made by a stout lady from England who lived with them, she had dark finger waved hair.


The little red pillow is needlepoint that she made and it is sitting next to the pillow she gave me last year which is also a treasure. That won't be it's final spot, it is a good photo op, two for one.

Which led me to the idea to post a hall of fame to Auntie. And show you some of her artwork. This little painting is a 10x13 very precious. Somehow she captured Kayla's essence in that child because even though you can't see her face the child in the painting is Kayla, the little stance, posture, hair is all her. The big newfie is an imaginary buddy, if he materialized he'd be right at home. All near a field of lavender be still my heart.

This painting is also a little 10x13 I love the smaller sizes because how many large paintings can you hang? This one is of our home with her little suggestions to the landscape and the color of the trim. That is a portrait of my beloved dog Rasmus. She does wonderful portraits of dogs and will do them from photos for a reasonable commission. If you want one let me know. I can ask her for you.

This is my large painting and it is wonderful. My Aunt has always loved the water, oceans, seas anything that blows fresh air and clean smells. I'm the one in the middle when I was a young woman or so she said.

She also has a fun sense of humor as evidenced by this pin dot picture. I have this one framed in the bathroom isn't it delightful and fun?

Another pin dot sent at Easter time. Beautiful details.



and a card that was cute not to frame and add to the hallway.



This years painting a tiny little one maybe 4x6 and absolutely precious! She said it took her one afternoon to make. I am so impressed. I am not sure that I have ever had that much creativity in a day, but then since I don't paint I can't help but be dazzled. The inspiration for this one was her own little girl. They say you can't chose your family which is true, but you can chose how much you love them and how much you bless them. I don't have to say to much more to let you know how special she is and how grateful I am that she loves me.

Somethings Cooking

Have you ever seen fresh picked pinto beans? The aroma from my kitchen today is mouthwatering. We stopped at the Farmers Market and I bought more than I should have. Everything looked so luscious.

I had saved a ham bone from a large ham and it is going to turn these beans into something so fine! Cornbread is coming and fresh sliced cantaloupe. Maybe even some sliced cucumber and tomatoes. What a feast!


We have had a ton of rain. It has felt like we were in Florida around her with a daily thunder shower. All this rain makes the grass grow thick and green. It made a mess of the garden can't get in there and pick anything because we'd sink a foot deep into the mud.

However some things are perched for easy pickins.


Something that is the best tasting, sweetest crispiest, most delicious ever! I thought home grown tomatoes were good! This is incredible!

Gourds and squash taking over and trying to survive the heat and the rain.

This is okra. Okra makes the prettiest flowers and it is a heavy producer. It is also about 6 ft tall right now and no end in sight. I guess it will topple over.

A close up of this fat round watermelon that was sweet all the way to the rind. Haven't tasted one this good since I was a child in Texas. Come over and have some.

This is one magnificent specimen of a garden spider. I wonder how old it is? We sure have plenty of bugs to keep it healthy. I'm not a spider fan but my brain overrides my emotions when it comes to beneficial insects. It is a pretty cool looking spider don't you think? It's huge. If I would've put my hand up there you could gauge the size to be about the same as the palm of my hand, but no you will just have to take my word on that.

What's cooking at your house?

A Frank Discussion

My husband and I were discussing the health care problem and the proposed reforms. Aside from the problem of illegal immigrations added expense to the system, which we are all aware of, there are serious issues about end of life decisions. Please stay with me, because I may go in a different direction than you might expect.

The majority of health care dollars are spent on the very elderly and the outcomes are very poor. We can prove that, statistics show it. Most of the frail seniors that fall and break a hip usually succumb to some other problem even if they survive the surgery. So does that mean they shouldn't have it? Who is elderly? Is a 59 year old person elderly?

I think the real problem with this is recognizing when the end of life is happening naturally. While I was working in the ICU I educated the other nurses there about the signs of dying. You would think that ICU doctors and nurses would know that, but not all of them are familiar with the signs of impending death. We can see signs from 6 months, a few months, weeks, days, and hours.
Just as we know the signs of labor and delivery and imminent birth; so are the signs of dying.

No one wants to perform CPR on a frail elderly person and hear the sound of bones breaking with every compression. If they don't have a DNR order on the chart we have to do it, it's the law. It's gross. The first time I actually had to give a patient chest compressions this was the case and Icould feel and hear the bones breaking, it was awful. This little lady had already "coded" once and since she was in her late nineties she did not have a successful resuscitation. Her family let us know later that she didn't want one. She had expressed her wishes to the family but it wasn't on the chart. That happens all the time.

Are you picking up on the problems as we go along?

What about when you know the outcome is going to be bad, say a person who has never been ill but presents with life threatening illness and a whole host of problems all inoperable and most likely fatal; but the patient and the family need time to absorb all of this. What do you do?

Your patient is a young person in their late thirties they are in end stage alcohol disease and they have AIDS, they have no family that you can locate. They are in denial of their impending death and are basically in your ICU for pain drugs. They have been in hospice and discharged themselves out. They are too sick for the floor so they must stay in the ICU until they die which can be weeks. What do you do?

These are real scenarios. I can write up hundreds of them. My point is that THESE are not the issues of government. Legal intervention and government intervention have made the nightmare we are in right now. The doctors and nurses DO have ideas about the right way to solve these problems but it is so cloudy between malpractice and RIGHTS that it is usually the last thing that can be done if ever.

How do we solve it?

One thing we need to do is educate everyone about natural death. I am very comfortable with helping a family accept that a person they love is leaving this world. I am in a place in my own practice where I can see what is going on and when to call it quits. I am very pro life. I do not believe in withholding treatment. BUT there are times when the treatment becomes cruel. There are times when the best treatment is to comfort and to relieve pain. It takes a tremendous amount of teaching for families and also for staff.

My husband asked me if I wanted the job.

I just looked at him.

It isn't a job for the government that is to be sure. They have already made a big mess of it. We can't mandate who gets what. If you knew the mess that medicare laws are, you'd see how that is ALREADY happening. If you don't meet medicare criteria you need to go home. Your sick? Sorry you don't qualify, can you private pay? No, well then you have to leave.
I am dead serious about that too.

What would you do faced with these ethical dilemmas? Have you had discussions with your loved ones about end of life issues? Have you really investigated this beyond table talk? Do you have it in writing? Does your doctor have a copy? Are there people in your family who oppose your thinking? If you don't want heroics when do you want them stopped? If you could be on a ventilator for a short period of time and then recover do you want your DNR in effect or not?
Just for the record if your going to the OR you are not a DNR.(do not resuscitate) You really have to be at the end of your life to have a DNR. If your healthy we are going to save your hiney, you can count on it.

Do you want to talk about this for a bit? I have time. Bring your questions to the blog table and lets talk about them.

Do You Want This?

I got this in an e mail. Having the government have direct access to my bank account by electronic funds transfer is enough for me to freak. I thought I didn't want the OBAMA plan now I am sure of it. What do you think?

A Few Highlights from the first 500 pages of the Healthcare Bill in Congress

Shared Yesterday at 10:20 pm

If you are a senior citizen, you especially need to read from page 425 to the end of these highlights.
Bottom line, they want seniors dead and out of the way....( it would solve the social security issue and the majority of money spent now is on the elderly and they have very poor outcomes) What is amazing is that the cut off seems to be age 59!

Subject: Fw: A few highlights from the first 500 pages of the Healthcare bill in congress
Contact your Representatives and let them know how you feel about this. We, as a country, cannot afford another 1000 page bill to go through congress without being read. Another 500 pages to go. I have highlighted a few of the items that are down right unconstitutional.

• Page 22: Mandates audits of all employers that self-insure!
• Page 29: Admission: your health care will be rationed!
• Page 30: A government committee will decide what treatments and benefits you get (and, unlike an insurer, there will be no appeals process)
• Page 42: The "Health Choices Commissioner" will decide health benefits for you. You will have no choice. None.
• Page 50: All non-US citizens, illegal or not, will be provided with free healthcare services.
• Page 58: Every person will be issued a National ID Healthcard..
• Page 59: The federal government will have direct, real-time access to all individual bank accounts for electronic funds transfer.
• Page 65: Taxpayers will subsidize all union retiree and community organizer health plans (read: SEIU, UAW and ACORN)
• Page 72: All private healthcare plans must conform to government rules to participate in a Healthcare Exchange.
• Page 84: All private healthcare plans must participate in the Healthcare Exchange (i.e., total government control of 20 private plans)
• Page 91: Government mandates linguistic infrastructure for services; translation: illegal aliens
• Page 95: The Government will pay ACORN and Americorps to sign up individuals for Government-run Health Care plan.
• Page 102: Those eligible for Medicaid will be automatically enrolled: you have no choice in the matter.
• Page 124: No company can sue the government for price-fixing. No "judicial review" is permitted against the government monopoly. Put simply, private insurers will be crushed.
• Page 127: The AMA sold doctors out: the government will set wages.
• Page 145: An employer MUST auto-enroll employees into the government-run public plan. No alternatives.
• Page 126: Employers MUST pay healthcare bills for part-time employees AND their families.
• Page 149: Any employer with a payroll of $400K or more, who does not offer the public option, pays an 8% tax on payroll
• Page 150: Any employer with a payroll of $250K-400K or more, who does not offer the public option, pays a 2 to 6% tax on payroll
• Page 167: Any individual who doesn't have acceptable healthcare (according to the government) will be taxed 2.5% of income.
• Page 170: Any NON-RESIDENT alien is exempt from individual taxes (Americans will pay for them).
• Page 195: Officers and employees of Government Healthcare Bureaucracy will have access to ALL American financial and personal records.
• Page 203: "The tax imposed under this section shall not be treated as tax." Yes, it really says that.
• Page 239: Bill will reduce physician services for Medicaid. Seniors and the poor most affected.
• Page 241: Doctors: no matter what specialty you have, you'll all be paid the same (thanks, AMA!)
• Page 253: Government sets value of doctors' time, their professional judgment, etc.
• Page 265: Government mandates and controls productivity for private healthcare industries.
• Page 268: Government regulates rental and purchase of power-driven wheelchairs.
• Page 272: Cancer patients: welcome to the wonderful world of rationing!
• Page 280: Hospitals will be penalized for what the government deems preventable re-admissions.
• Page 298: Doctors: if you treat a patient during an initial admission that results in a readmission, you will be penalized by the government.
• Page 317: Doctors: you are now prohibited for owning and investing in healthcare companies!
• Page 318: Prohibition on hospital expansion. Hospitals cannot expand without government approval.
• Page 321: Hospital expansion hinges on "community" input: in other words, yet another payoff for ACORN.
• Page 335: Government mandates establishment of outcome-based measures: i.e., rationing.
• Page 341: Government has authority to disqualify Medicare Advantage Plans, HMOs, etc.
• Page 354: Government will restrict enrollment of SPECIAL NEEDS individuals.
• Page 379: More bureaucracy: Telehealth Advisory Committee (healthcare by phone).
• Page 425: More bureaucracy: Advance Care Planning Consult: Senior Citizens, assisted suicide, euthanasia?
• Page 425: Government will instruct and consult regarding living wills, durable powers of attorney, etc. Mandatory. Appears to lock in estate taxes ahead of time.
• Page 425: Government provides approved list of end-of-life resources, guiding you in death.
• Page 427: Government mandates program that orders end-of-life treatment; government dictates how your life ends.
• Page 429: Advance Care Planning Consult will be used to dictate treatment as patient's health deteriorates. This can include an ORDER for end-of-life plans. An ORDER from the GOVERNMENT.
• Page 430: Government will decide what level of treatments you may have at end-of-life.
• Page 469: Community-based Home Medical Services: more payoffs for ACORN.
• Page 472: Payments to Community-based organizations: more payoffs for ACORN.
• Page 489: Government will cover marriage and family therapy. Government intervenes in your marriage.

Is Confession Really Good for the Soul?

I don't cry much. Somewhere along the way I learned to buck up and stand up. When you work with people who are really sick it changes you. How big of a problem can I have when I am working with a terminally ill child? Especially when they are the bravest of all.

I guess some where along the way I decided that what happens to me is not of significance in comparison. That is true. But it is also true that just because it's not a matter of life and death doesn't mean that it isn't difficult. And having problems isn't a sign of weakness nor is having feelings about them. But it is embarrassing.

The embarrassing thing is to be up in the night and pour your guts out on the world wide web. You know in a moment of severe emotion. I have been crying a lot. It's weird, I can't remember the last time I cried and now that it's started I can't seem to stop it. You know when your eyes sting that it's been quite a bit. Lucy will think that I am having a nervous breakdown and going crazy, but it isn't that bad. There is something to be said for the momentum of keeping on keeping on. When you stop and stand still a lot can catch up with you. You stop and take inventory when there is no where to go.

I really appreciate the comments that you all have left. I feel the support and the care, even friendship. I am guessing that maybe some of you might be wondering about my faith. Wondering why my faith isn't carrying me better. It is. What I know the best is that Jesus understands my fears. He was a man of sorrows acquainted with suffering. I don't have to measure up, all I have to do is lean. I learned that real faith is honest, that when I am weak He is strong. He will show up mighty on my behalf inspite of me, not because of me. That's why I love Him so much. It's not about me or my performance. It's about how faithful He is.

I am not really sure why this upcoming surgery has me in such knots. I think it is because I have worked for so long and know all the crap that can happen. It's the idea of them taking power saws to my bones. It affects me about the same as cutting a leg off. And then there is the question of my feet and that they have new fractures. Well, that wouldn't have anything to do with me working like a maniac half the time; OK all of the time. So we have established that I am nuts and need to cry.

There are so many questions. This isn't a good time to not have a job or go backwards. Will I be able to work again? If not what will I do? I don't really need an answer, just to say the question because it can't be answered right now. The answer is in the future. Right now I am in a holding pattern of waiting. My LEAST favorite place to be. You would never have guessed that right?
I think when we go threw tough stuff we look for what has been our comfort in the past. For a big part of my life that was my dog. He didn't hold a place above God, or my husband, or family or friends; it was just different. He was my buddy and when I looked into his eyes I felt something , he understood me without words. It's a new lesson to learn to walk threw dark places without an old friend.

You know what I hope? I hope that when this is all over I am embarrassed to say that it wasn't so bad. That all that anxiety was for nothing. Worry never works, I think it's 99% of the things that we worry about never happen. There are two ways to look at that, either it works or it doesn't. NOT. So now what? It's August I have to wait to meet the surgeon until the 13th and then we set the date and get this over with. I need to keep a positive attitude KNOWING how health care really works. I'm going to have to work at this.

Tonight I can cry more if I want to. Tomorrow I am getting up and getting dressed and am going to find something interesting to post about. I am going to find a cool picture to take. I may even bake something. That's long enough, a full day of bawling ought to be good enough for anybody. I am such a big baby, I can't even believe this. Am I really going to hit the publish button on this one?

Sleepless

Depression has struck me. I fear I am behaving like a spoiled child but I cannot seem to do anything about it. My husband says I shouldn't look at dogs and then this wouldn't happen.
He is not like me. He doesn't want another dog. I don't understand because he loved Rasmus so much. You never heard a grown man sob so wildly when we lost him. Sometimes I think that is it, but then no, it is not.

How can two people be so different? He does not understand me and I do not understand him.
The day we buried my dog a big part of me went down into that grave with him. It freaked my family out. I quit cooking, I quit talking. I never experienced such a loss. Is it wrong to love a dog like that? I never had that in life before, that connection that runs so deep. My dog wasn't really like a dog. He was more human, he knew every word you said to him. I rarely ever "commanded" him. We had a connection of respect and love. Sometimes I lost my patience with him if he pulled the leash, and a tear falls for every time I ever was cross with him. He was a magnificent animal. Watching him move with so much grace used to thrill my heart. I loved to see him run and leap. I would take him to the lake and turn him loose just to watch. He was totally trustworthy. The leash was never needed it was required by these laws. I long to live where you can let your best friend have the freedom to just be. Now crates are the thing. I wouldn't have one in my house! My dog was stuck to my hip and his obedience without fail. He listened. He also loved my husband a great deal. In fact he chose him in his last years. It didn't help that they got to hang out together all the time while I worked. It didn't help that he played ball and petted him constantly, the thief. He has been dead for two years and still the grief is so fresh, sometimes it is unbearable. I question this.

How can a person grieve for a dog so intensely? I have lost people and have more peace about their loss. Is it the way he died? Is it that I had to make the decision to send him to his death?
He wasn't ready. He tried to tell me to take him home. I knew what he was trying to say. I knew he didn't feel that bad yet, but it was coming fast. I couldn't bear to have him go through all the grotesque horrors of melanoma. I knew it was aggressive and that it had metastasized already to several areas in his head and body. The tumor in his eye had doubled in size in just a few days and it was bleeding. It was so hard. He looked so magnificent so alive. People were looking at me with questioning looks, why was I there to put THIS dog down? I never saw a more sorry face than in that vet. I didn't know him. He looked so sadly at me and said that yes it was right. There isn't a meaner cancer for a dog to have. What hurts me so much is that Rasmus wanted to go home. He stood facing the door at full attention ,"LET ME GO" and I put him on the table. When I did he quietly submitted in full grace. The vet muzzled him which killed me. He just submitted. We were no good for him clinging to each other in sobbing grief. Rasmus knew he was going to die, he knew we were saying goodbye and he just bowed his head in great majestic grace and died; and a big part of me went with him. Maybe I will never get over it.

I thought if I got another puppy it would help. From the first moment I saw Lu I knew I had made a mistake. I couldn't love her. She was beautiful and I felt nothing for her. I would look at her and cry. That brought up a whole host of issues. I finally gave her away and made sure she got a very good home. All dogs should have that. So what makes me think I could love Riley?
It's just a photograph. I am an idiot to fall so hard for a picture.

I am an idiot. My husband says no and the rescue says no and I am heartbroken all over again. I know in my heart what could be. I can see in him that he is right, and it makes my heart sick.
So I am a spoiled rotten child crying for what I want and can not have. Sometimes life is so stupid. It's just stupid. This should be simple. I need him and he needs me, it should be a simple happily ever after and it isn't. That is just stupid and I am depressed.