Depression has struck me. I fear I am behaving like a spoiled child but I cannot seem to do anything about it. My husband says I shouldn't look at dogs and then this wouldn't happen.
He is not like me. He doesn't want another dog. I don't understand because he loved Rasmus so much. You never heard a grown man sob so wildly when we lost him. Sometimes I think that is it, but then no, it is not.
How can two people be so different? He does not understand me and I do not understand him.
The day we buried my dog a big part of me went down into that grave with him. It freaked my family out. I quit cooking, I quit talking. I never experienced such a loss. Is it wrong to love a dog like that? I never had that in life before, that connection that runs so deep. My dog wasn't really like a dog. He was more human, he knew every word you said to him. I rarely ever "commanded" him. We had a connection of respect and love. Sometimes I lost my patience with him if he pulled the leash, and a tear falls for every time I ever was cross with him. He was a magnificent animal. Watching him move with so much grace used to thrill my heart. I loved to see him run and leap. I would take him to the lake and turn him loose just to watch. He was totally trustworthy. The leash was never needed it was required by these laws. I long to live where you can let your best friend have the freedom to just be. Now crates are the thing. I wouldn't have one in my house! My dog was stuck to my hip and his obedience without fail. He listened. He also loved my husband a great deal. In fact he chose him in his last years. It didn't help that they got to hang out together all the time while I worked. It didn't help that he played ball and petted him constantly, the thief. He has been dead for two years and still the grief is so fresh, sometimes it is unbearable. I question this.
How can a person grieve for a dog so intensely? I have lost people and have more peace about their loss. Is it the way he died? Is it that I had to make the decision to send him to his death?
He wasn't ready. He tried to tell me to take him home. I knew what he was trying to say. I knew he didn't feel that bad yet, but it was coming fast. I couldn't bear to have him go through all the grotesque horrors of melanoma. I knew it was aggressive and that it had metastasized already to several areas in his head and body. The tumor in his eye had doubled in size in just a few days and it was bleeding. It was so hard. He looked so magnificent so alive. People were looking at me with questioning looks, why was I there to put THIS dog down? I never saw a more sorry face than in that vet. I didn't know him. He looked so sadly at me and said that yes it was right. There isn't a meaner cancer for a dog to have. What hurts me so much is that Rasmus wanted to go home. He stood facing the door at full attention ,"LET ME GO" and I put him on the table. When I did he quietly submitted in full grace. The vet muzzled him which killed me. He just submitted. We were no good for him clinging to each other in sobbing grief. Rasmus knew he was going to die, he knew we were saying goodbye and he just bowed his head in great majestic grace and died; and a big part of me went with him. Maybe I will never get over it.
I thought if I got another puppy it would help. From the first moment I saw Lu I knew I had made a mistake. I couldn't love her. She was beautiful and I felt nothing for her. I would look at her and cry. That brought up a whole host of issues. I finally gave her away and made sure she got a very good home. All dogs should have that. So what makes me think I could love Riley?
It's just a photograph. I am an idiot to fall so hard for a picture.
I am an idiot. My husband says no and the rescue says no and I am heartbroken all over again. I know in my heart what could be. I can see in him that he is right, and it makes my heart sick.
So I am a spoiled rotten child crying for what I want and can not have. Sometimes life is so stupid. It's just stupid. This should be simple. I need him and he needs me, it should be a simple happily ever after and it isn't. That is just stupid and I am depressed.