Sunday, August 2, 2009

Is Confession Really Good for the Soul?

I don't cry much. Somewhere along the way I learned to buck up and stand up. When you work with people who are really sick it changes you. How big of a problem can I have when I am working with a terminally ill child? Especially when they are the bravest of all.

I guess some where along the way I decided that what happens to me is not of significance in comparison. That is true. But it is also true that just because it's not a matter of life and death doesn't mean that it isn't difficult. And having problems isn't a sign of weakness nor is having feelings about them. But it is embarrassing.

The embarrassing thing is to be up in the night and pour your guts out on the world wide web. You know in a moment of severe emotion. I have been crying a lot. It's weird, I can't remember the last time I cried and now that it's started I can't seem to stop it. You know when your eyes sting that it's been quite a bit. Lucy will think that I am having a nervous breakdown and going crazy, but it isn't that bad. There is something to be said for the momentum of keeping on keeping on. When you stop and stand still a lot can catch up with you. You stop and take inventory when there is no where to go.

I really appreciate the comments that you all have left. I feel the support and the care, even friendship. I am guessing that maybe some of you might be wondering about my faith. Wondering why my faith isn't carrying me better. It is. What I know the best is that Jesus understands my fears. He was a man of sorrows acquainted with suffering. I don't have to measure up, all I have to do is lean. I learned that real faith is honest, that when I am weak He is strong. He will show up mighty on my behalf inspite of me, not because of me. That's why I love Him so much. It's not about me or my performance. It's about how faithful He is.

I am not really sure why this upcoming surgery has me in such knots. I think it is because I have worked for so long and know all the crap that can happen. It's the idea of them taking power saws to my bones. It affects me about the same as cutting a leg off. And then there is the question of my feet and that they have new fractures. Well, that wouldn't have anything to do with me working like a maniac half the time; OK all of the time. So we have established that I am nuts and need to cry.

There are so many questions. This isn't a good time to not have a job or go backwards. Will I be able to work again? If not what will I do? I don't really need an answer, just to say the question because it can't be answered right now. The answer is in the future. Right now I am in a holding pattern of waiting. My LEAST favorite place to be. You would never have guessed that right?
I think when we go threw tough stuff we look for what has been our comfort in the past. For a big part of my life that was my dog. He didn't hold a place above God, or my husband, or family or friends; it was just different. He was my buddy and when I looked into his eyes I felt something , he understood me without words. It's a new lesson to learn to walk threw dark places without an old friend.

You know what I hope? I hope that when this is all over I am embarrassed to say that it wasn't so bad. That all that anxiety was for nothing. Worry never works, I think it's 99% of the things that we worry about never happen. There are two ways to look at that, either it works or it doesn't. NOT. So now what? It's August I have to wait to meet the surgeon until the 13th and then we set the date and get this over with. I need to keep a positive attitude KNOWING how health care really works. I'm going to have to work at this.

Tonight I can cry more if I want to. Tomorrow I am getting up and getting dressed and am going to find something interesting to post about. I am going to find a cool picture to take. I may even bake something. That's long enough, a full day of bawling ought to be good enough for anybody. I am such a big baby, I can't even believe this. Am I really going to hit the publish button on this one?


joanne said...

Oh KD, I love ya, you've got me crying over here and you can't begin to know the how's or why's. It all matters, it really does...and I think you are so brave to have pushed the publish button! Thinking of you sweetie...;p

Heidi said...

Oh Karen, *hugs* I wish I could be there to help you in anyway that I could!! As for questioning your faith - not for a second! We are human and that is what God loves about us - he made us this way. Our feelings are God given and we have them so that we turn to Him, which I am sure you have. You are one tough cookie my dear and yet you have more compasion that most people I have ever met. My love to you and the family - praying for you for your surgury, recovery and for your hearts deepest desires. LOVE YOU!!! dont be so hard on yourself and let the tears flow - they are soul cleansing droplets of love!!

WudWerkr said...

if i was a guessing man , u have learned to be the strong one in many situations , and not being that now is very hard . keep in mind even christ cried . when lazarus died he wept . so that IS NOT a sign of weakness or a sign of lack of faith . it is a sign of being human . and that is ok

Linda@ Lime in the Coconut said...

You of my favorite sayings is "The cure for everything is Saltwater~ Sweat, tears or the sea" ~Issak Dinneson

To a better today.

Laura ~Peach~ said...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
when I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

someone gave me this when i was a teen... it is so very true and works when i remember to work it... you my dear friend are human and we as nurses tend to be control freaks and this is something totally out of your control... and for what its worth crying is a wonderful release so cry it out :) big hugssssssss love you~

Twisted Fencepost said...

Ditto what Laura wrote.
Live one day at a time. Conquer one battle at a time.
I know depression. It leaves me and comes back with a vengence. It is a daily battle, but I am determined to win fight!
My family deserves this, my critters deserve this. I DESERVE THIS!

Kathy said...

The thought of surgery has you in knots because it is 'surgery' after all. I am a surgeon(of four legged critters)and any proposed surgical or anesthetic procedure on my person directly activates my emotional and vomiting centers! So you cry and vent and depress all that you want or need to. We're here for you.
I am sorry that you don't have a special dog in your life right now. The comfort that they provide is beyond understanding. A couple of years ago when I was unable to have a dog or cat in my life, I would hike through pastures to find my horse for hugs and a warm furry coat to stroke.
Too bad that your cat isn't as marvelous as my Billy or Annie......

Farmgirl Paints said...

Oh Karen I feel your fears and understand the worry in your words. If I was there I'd give you a big hug. Thank you for being so real and transparent. There is nothing wrong with your thoughts. HE is bigger than all of this and we know that, but it doesn't always stop us from the overwhelming emotions that come. I'm sending some prayers your way.

Debbie in CA : ) said...

Cry into the hem of the Savior's garment . . . He holds the key to comfort.

My sweet, sweet friend . . . I love you!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Of course you're gonna hit publish, because that's why we do this blog thing-- for virtual hand holding and we can't hold yours if you're hiding them in your pockets. I'm praying for you and know that there's absolutely NO reason to be ashamed. An informed person should have a little anxiety, and addressing it now helps you when the surgery day is closer. I'm looking forward to your "It wasn't so bad" post. :-) HUGS!