Thursday, February 24, 2011

My Blog Needs A New Name.

Have you noticed how seldom I post? A true confession is that on the days I don't post I am struggling.
The truth is I am struggling with everything in my life.
I wondered about doing this, but I am going to go for it.
That is a warning.
If you are looking for a happy Karen Deborah post then move on.
This is not for you.

The truth is I am in a crisis in every way.
 I keep trying to find a positive outlook for living and I can't.
Then I rebuke myself and think of all the people who have faced much more serious adversity than me. If I don't, someone else does!
  I am becoming a recluse.  I don't call people. I don't go to church. I don't want to go out. I don't want to be patted or talked to or _____ fill in the blank.
I really don't want to hear any more platitudes or "good advice."
I may kick the next person's knee caps, who tells me to just straighten up.
Does anyone really think that I am doing this to myself?
It's more than insulting to think I'd want this.
It makes me feel unknown, that hurts.

My life has completely changed. Everything I did before is gone. This is no longer Fresh Fixins. There isn't going to be gardening or cooking or baking bread. My starter rotted and I threw it out.
I struggle with the weight of the dough.
I cannot handle it, which steals the pleasure.
No canning, no planning the garden, none of it.
I cannot use my arm. My hand hurts when I type but today my heart is hurting more than my body.
If I continue to blog I'll have a completely different topic.
How about  "The Daily Scream?"

Trying to survive devastation.
Physical, emotional, spiritual, devastation.
It's not like I have a huge following.
But I wouldn't want to loose my fifteen blog friends that I really care about.
But can anyone want to read this crap?
I wouldn't blame you if you left.

So help me.

I can't think of title for spilling my guts.
That is what I'm going to do.
I am going to write often and just spill it.

I understand now why some people turn their comment section off.
They hurt too much to take even one hurtful comment.
Let's face it. A lot of people don't realize what they say injures another.
They haven't suffered and they don't know.
Knowing that, allows those of us in the fellowship of pain, to excuse them.

It's true my daughter has rescued me and brought me up from the grave.
But at times I wish she hadn't.
I am GRATEFUL that our relationship is restored.
I am GRATEFUL for her love and help.
She literally saved my life.
But I am not grateful for the dependance I have to embrace. I hate it.

I am also hurt that the rest of my family doesn't even get it.
I'm hurt my brother has never come to visit.
He just called and his mother in law fell and hurt her arm.
I'm sorry that happened.
The way he went on and on about how bad it is went threw my gut like a knife.
He has no concept of what has happened to me.
She will get better.

Sometimes I think no one gets this.
If you care about someone, don't you make it your business to know?
Can we I really just fade away and no one miss us me?
(I still miss Grandma J, she just went away).
My family doesn't read my blog except when I ask them to so I don't have to worry about saying this.

I  think I have PTSD.
I am afraid of falling.
I am afraid of people.
I am afraid of being touched.
I am afraid of handshakes.

Who is this?
These "fears" are foreign to me.
This is the antithesis of who I have been all my life.

I hate talking about what I am going through. Talk about Debbie Downer. 
My faith is in crisis. My identity is in crisis. I feel like who I am is in the past tense.
So who am I now?
Someone in a constant state of suffering.
Someone who went from care giver to dependence.
Someone who has almost ruined our finances, we haven't had to give up our home yet.
There it is again. Back and forth.
Other people are facing foreclosures.
Why do I complain?
I feel so guilty and I KNOW that is dumb. Knowing doesn't stop it.
Trust God....there's the rub. I thought I did.

I don't understand anything.

How can a nurse not have health care when I spent my whole life giving it?
Why should my 73 year old husband have to pay taxes?

I'm not paralysed but in a way I am. I'm travelling through a "veil of tears." I am grieving for my life.
I don't know how to continue. I am NOT suicidal.
That is for you Susie,you always freak when I talk like this.
I'm OK I just want to talk.
I'm upset because I need to get it out.
I want to scream, long and loud and every day.

Every day some daily task presents itself and I can't do it.
That is just a fact.
How do I focus on the good in the face of daily new "facts"?
Every day I get to wake up to a new day of disappointment.
My new life.

Every day the reality of our financial situation presses down on me a bit heavier and makes my heart hurt. I really should find homes for all my animals because that money is needed to pay bills.
I have asked many providers for help and they have written off parts of what we owe.

I have charged $12,000 for meds, doctors, and gas, basically anything we couldn't pay for. I didn't know it was that much. When my husband finally told me, I felt like I was going to vomit.
It seems to me the pets need to go.
They cost a lot every month.
The dog is so big he nearly knocks me over nearly every day.
He scares me to death.
I love that big galute.
He's a puppy pony.
Then I bawl and cry my eyes out, AGAIN.
How much do others have to pay for me?

What if something bad happens to them?
How can I be sure they'd get a good home?
Those are emotional rhetorical questions.
I don't need an answer. It's how I feel.

Beggars can't be choosers. SHUT UP!!!

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't after such a long list of losses.

I have always been so good at helping others in grief. In encouraging others to cling to the Lord for comfort. I cannot help myself. I am not sure if I can't or don't want to.
I get mad.
How do you cling without hands?

My nerve block has worn off and I've lost the mobility I gained. I'm back to feeling crucified. The thing about that is real crucifixion would end and it doesn't. The pain syndrome I have "Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy," is a progressive disorder. It gets worse. Most of the time I can't even remember the name of it. I don't read about it because it scares me to death. I actually said in my Sunday School class that I'd rather have cancer and the judgement I felt was horrific. No one understood what I was saying. With cancer you live or you die. There is some hope of it ending, one way or the other. At least you have a chance to fight it.

I fight with exercise and drugs, but I'm told I might win.
A long shot. The majority of the time this RSD wins.
It disables.

Which is worse to always be blind or lose your sight and have the memory?

If a tree falls in the forest with no one to hear it; does it make a sound?

The drugs make me stupid and I stink.
But if I don't take them I'll go hysterical.
I can't stand it when my arm is in a state of activity that looks like grand mal seizures.
It hurts and it scares me to death.
At least I'm off of narcotics.
Back and forth.

What I have is severe with increasing severity and it is chronic.
No end. I really can't take much more without going crazy.
I'm already crazy.
I don't want to know anymore about this.
I can't imagine more.
I know what it means when medical people say it will get worse.
Most people have no idea what is ahead of them.
I am a coward.
It shocks me, the cowardice, I thought I was brave.
I am a coward, no kidding.
Where do you go to say, UNCLE?

Hell on earth. Why? Wasn't I doing good work?
I have always said that this subject of suffering is one I couldn't tackle.
Maybe God wants me to reveal the whole inner ugly struggle.
I'm like that.
I'll say there is an elephant in the room when everyone else pretends there's nothing there.

Maybe my new lot in life is to say what it is like to be living with a whole host of unwanted changes.

Stripped of everything that was--- who I thought I was.

All that is left is words. I CAN talk.
But who on earth would listen?
Does that even matter really?
Is it hard to blog if you don't have any readers?
Anybody out there? Pink Floyd

I do not always have these rock bottom days.
I can smile and laugh sometimes.
I see the beauty of spring beginning to unfold.

Then I see all the weeds I would be pulling.
Ten years I have worked on this garden.
I don't want to stay here and watch it deteriorate.
The see saw again--up and down--back and forth.
My husband doesn't understand.
He does all he can, but this was never a one man operation.

I will just have to let things go one by one, or faster than that, ten by ten.
It's a lot like cancer or any other process that takes your life a piece at a time, or a chunk.

It took a lot of guts for me to do this.
Leave a comment if you want but don't judge me.
My mama said if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all.
That's how come I don't blog.
But I miss blogging.
I can blog, I just don't have what I was to give you.
She is gone.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself.
I have no bootstraps.
Even if I did I wouldn't be able to reach them.
Someone else would have to put the boots on.
So none of that, please.


Linda said...

I'm still out here. I'll read your blog whenever you post, and I'll not judge you.

I miss Grandma J too. Whatever happened to her?

I have a chronic illness too, but it isn't as bad as yours, but pain is pain when it affects 'you'. My heart goes out to you.

Sometimes I feel like my word verification...vzqxmkt!

joanne said...

I'm still here...always will be.
I won't judge...ever.
Would love to talk...or listen.
I've spent a lot of time
in the place you are at...I love you. KD..please remember that, I love you, I hold you close to my heart and there is nothing, NOTHING that I wouldn't do to help.

Thickethouse.wordpress said...

I just read your blog today for the first time, and I wish so much I could help. Have you tried ketamine? The one thing I know after caring for my husband through stroke, brain injury and alzheimer's until he died, is that things change all the time, and "this too shall pass". I am praying for you, and wish everything good for you and your husband.

LDF said...

Scream away! I'm listening. Email me if you need to scream more directly.

Chris H said...

I am 'here' for you too KD...I care deeply for you.
There is nothing I can do in the physical sense as I am so far away ... I am not religious so can't pray for you, but I am only too happy to listen... to lend a loving ear and just say... as long as there is breath in your body we, your blog friends, will be here for you.

Rosie_Kate said...

Tonight I was talking to a friend who asked me if I can rant on my blog. I said, "kinda, but then people want to fix my problems." She said, "Turn off the comments."

You should be able to rant here. It's a good place for it. Some of us will read you and pray for you. It's okay to rant. It's good for you.

I'm struggling, too. Not as much as you are, and I'm in a completely different phase of life. I think the Devil is working extra hard to bring our spirits down. I pray every day the the Lord will come and bring the end.

You have words. We're listening. God is listening.

Anonymous said...

Oh Karen...

I understand and my heart aches for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish so much there was something I could do.

I love you, friend.

Kathy said...

Well..... I listened, you were heard, I feel a strong sisterhood here. I have no answers, I cannot fix, but YOU are heard and respected! Perhaps many of us have and do walk similar narrow pathways.

You are much loved.

Easy answer to your title.."Spilling my Guts" you said it first.

AND I love your header photo.

Bluebird49 said...

Oh Honey--I wish I had the words to say what I feel. You and I know a little about each other. I feel like a terrible friend...I feel like I should know how to say something soothing to your poor soul and something spiritually meaningful. I don't blame you for the dread you feel about your illness--and what is probably coming ahead unless a miracle happens--and I'm praying for that and for your family.

Pain and depression and PSTD, too, are so terribly hard; and having people tell you to "Look up!" or "Keep a smile on that face!" or "Just think of somebody else instead!"--well, we know how much those help when you're so down. Like we said--when you have no bootstraps to pull yourself up with--you can't very well pull them.

I know that I never thought I would be this way either when I was 61--in pain, not able to cook very much anymore, nor vacuum. My house is a dustpile, and my husband wouldn't know how to dust if I showed him (plus--that stuff is "woman's work"!--but he does help me so much in other ways.) No matter how much I needed a friend, I'd be ashamed for anyone to come in here.

I know that just having a cat is too much for me--I'm sure that big beautiful dog is too much for you! And I can't imagine what it takes to feed him. Maybe someone will want to help you out and take him--I think he's just gotten to be too much for you.

If I could fix everything for you, I promise you I would. I know how it feels to find out how much your credit card debt is! We went through that. I know everything feels hopeless right now, and I can only tell you I'm praying for you. I don't know why you're having to go through all this!

I just know you have every right to say, to rant, to vent, to cry--anything and everything that might help at all. I will be here to listen. I try to keep up with when you post--but I'm like you--just not very up to keeping my blog up anymore.

God bless you Sweetie. If there IS a medicine, Karen, and I don't care if it is a narcotic--if it helps you get through this--maybe you should ask the doctor about it. Being in terrible pain makes you doubly depressed, and I don't care if you think it makes you stupid or what--I just don't want you to keep hurting this way. This isn't living--it's just existing.
I'm glad you posted.

Laura~peach~ said...

this is your place, it is yours to say and think whatever you want. no judgements no critisims (did I spell the right) baby is here and starving but i will be back with more thoughts. love you.

Jeanie said...

I hope writing about all that you are going through has helped you and I hope you feel all the support coming your way. It is your blog, use it however you want. Though we can't fix your problems we wish so much for you to have what you need.

Kat said...

There are times when I have really hurt my knee or ankle (or name a body part) and wonder how on earth people deal with chronic pain. I just can't imagine it. It really must be hell on earth.

This is depression. You are depressed. And you have every reason to be. The thing about your depression is that you can't just take a pill and have it go away because your pain and the situation you are in is still the same. Still, medication might make it bearable (though maybe you are already taking something????). Though you say you are not suicidal the will to live is not there, is it? I know that only because I remember feeling the same thing at one point in my life. I would never have harmed myself but I think I would have been relieved if I wasn't here anymore. That is an awful feeling. And I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I just wish there was something I could say, do, offer.

Know that there is absolutely no judgement. I can't imagine anyone who would judge.

Every life is important. You are learning as is your family and friends and your readers and everyone who knows you. Little comfort right now, I know. But God is with you. God does not bring bad things to us. Life is SUCKY and awful sometimes and that is just how it is. Life is not perfect. Heaven is. We don't know why this is happening to you, but God is sad for you too. Know He is there with you.

Sending you all my positive, lovely, good thoughts, care and concern. And praying for you with all my heart.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I don't know you and I probably won't be able to encourage you much but I just found your blog and wanted to say hi.

Without knowing you personally and hearing your cries.. I would be the SAME! I wouldn't not handle what you are going through well, you do not need to feel bad about that.

ALL things work together for God for those who love God... you remind me so much of Job, his friends were useless to him and couldn't understand his pain and the whole time Job asked God.. WHY!!

But God had a plan and a reason for Job's suffering, even though Job couldn't work out what was going on.. God was still in control. God is still with you and in control of your life even if you can't see a scrap of God in it.. He is drawing you closer to Himself. Draw close to God and He will draw close to you, you don't need a pretty garden or to be self sufficient.. you only need Him!!

Trust Him and don't lose that trust in Him, and one day when you stand with God in heaven you will say "ooooo, now I get it!!" It's easy to trust God when things are good. And that was exactly what Satan accused Job of.. only following God because he had it so easy.

Praying for you!

Mental P Mama said...

I'm here. Not going anywhere. Hugs to you. Virtual ones.

Karen Deborah said...

I'm amazed by this love and my eyes spilled over as I read each comment. Thank you to the new visitors.
Anonymous your comments were precious. I hope and pray that I can sincerely say, "though he slay me i will love him," before it is over.
you hit it I feel like Job although his suffering was much more severe.

Kitter said...

Karen...I am here! NO JUDGEMENT ever!!! If ever there was a time where my nursing skills could would be now for you my dear friend. For my chronic pain...I went gluten free and OMG!! I never really realized how much pain I was in until I wasn't having much. I work with a naturopath and it has changed my life. Now we are moving on to emotional issues and learning how to release those. I will share any and all info if ever you feel it might be of a benefit for you.
I applaud you and your ability to just tell us like it is. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers ALWAYS!!
Do me a favor...a little flashback therapy :) Drink some Brewer's yeast and turn on some great old rock and roll. Just let that rush surge through your body and get lost in the music. Even if only for a moment...maybe you can have a small release. Sometimes it's the smallest of shifts...that can over time make a huge difference. Your Kitter forever!

Elysa said...

Wow, Karen. I had no idea things were this bad. I've not been good about keeping up with blog reading since the fire. I'm so sorry, friend. I'll be praying and PLEASE let me know if there is EVER anything tangible I can do.

I love you so much,

Anonymous said...

CBW gave me your name. My daughter has RSD. I will be happy to help you in any way I can.