Friday, February 25, 2011


 First I want to thank everybody for the very precious comments. I cried over each one. I felt the love. The sisterhood that Kathy mentioned is healing.
I am on anti-depressants a big whopping dose of them, but like Kat said there is no pill to erase what is happening. One of the things on the charge card are visits to a psychiatrist.  The doctor I see is an expert in pain, depression and nutrition. I am depressed because the cervical blocks don't last. I don't think I should do anymore because they have steroids in them and I cannot have surgery with RSD. My hip is hurting significantly and I have to hope and pray the graft will hold. I do take a huge amount of the best quality supplements and everything I can to heal my body. Y'all know how I feel about nutrition.

Kat you hit it, I don't have much will to live. It isn't gone but it's pretty weak. However I am a fighter and I'm not down on a 10 count yet. I also had to clarify to my daughter that what I meant was I am sometimes sorry she rescued me. I did not mean that I was sorry she came, never. Her coming has been an amazing blessing. I get tongue tied a lot and call her Mama. How's that for a woman who is 55? I call my baby, Mama.

I'm trying to sew. I used to do a lot of sewing. Jennifer wants to learn and help out and so far I am managing OK. I think it would be fun to make little things, doll clothes, or baby clothes. Will see, one day at a time.

Roman may be going to live in Colorado on a horse ranch with another big standard white poodle. My good friend's daughter is interested in him. He would love living there. He hates the heat and he loves cold weather. He went crazy in the snow playing in it. Last year in the summer I thought something was wrong with him. He just laid around and moped. He just doesn't like the heat.

Then if we place the cats we can just relax and have less to worry about.

I'm not going to talk about pets anymore.

Maybe I'll make some stuffed animals. I don't know but I do know that if it's stressful to try and care for something then the joy is lost.  I cannot physically work with my dog. He is a brat because of it. He won't listen to me like he should. We love each other but it just is not safe for me, and not good for him.
So there we go. Sometimes I have to be an adult even when I'd rather be a kid, and a whiny cry baby at that.

Last night it took me until 2:30 am to fall asleep. My shoulder was killing me. Between pain in the left hip and pain in the right shoulder it can really be a challenge to sleep when I like to lay on my side. I have drugs for that too but they don't always work. Melatonin and all of that.

Case anyone wonders, this pain is really weird. Nurses learn how to help people describe their pain beside just, "it hurts."
My shoulder feels like it's ripping out of the socket.
The muscles under my arm and down into the elbow feel like they are swollen but they are not.
At times I have electric shocks in the bones. If someone pats my shoulder it sends shocks down my arm for hours.
Then there is the wrist. There isn't anything wrong with my wrist but it feels fractured and it aches all the time.
My hand is full of "cording." RSD makes these strings of knots grow in your hand.
They are very strange. They hurt. Right in the center of my palm it feels pierced.
At times my hand hurts so much I'd rather amputate the whole limb including the shoulder.
That isn't an option it won't help.
 I asked.
With RSD nothing will help, surgery is the worst thing you can do.

The second orthopedic doctor I went to for another opinion told me he fixed a broken finger on a woman who had RSD and didn't tell him. A 30 minute simple surgery turned her hand into a permanent claw.
RSD can deform your limbs and soften your bones.

That was about enough information for me.
I actually don't want to know too much more than that. If you research this stuff for more than 10 minutes a person could go into a full blown panic attack.
I wonder how a young woman with children would survive if she had this.
Paula from American Idol has it.

I usually wake up in the morning with some relief. As long as I lay there and no gravity is on my arm I can just relax and feel easy.  This morning I didn't want to get up at all.
Jen made me.
She dried my hair and fixed me up as much as I would let her which wasn't much.
Then we went shopping for groceries for 2 and 1/2 hours. Picking up one jar of creamer hurt the bones in my arm. So I tried to pick up light things one thing at a time.
It's really difficult to push a cart. The cart feels like it's full already when it's empty.
Makes me want to quit and go home.
When Jen moves out I'm going to send my husband to the store with a list.
We will save a ton of money because he sticks to the list. He's not an impulse buyer.

So that was the day today. If my shoulder calms down after some rest I might try to sew a little.

Team work.

One of my challenges each day is not making my daughter angry. I get her PO'd at me every single day.
I'd like to get up and apply duct tape instead of lipstick.
I'm not accepting this very gracefully.
I cuss. Sometimes I'm mean.
I don't know how she can stand me.
To make it worse she is very very sensitive and so are the kids.
It's true that you hurt the ones you love.
That really doesn't make any sense when I think about it.

I'm going to go lay down and watch TV.
I like to watch crime shows. Catch the bad guys.
I don't watch anything about cooking or homes.
No decorating or gardening. I don't want to look at it----yet.
I like looking at what you do.

I really don't know how to accept my life.
I do know one thing. Because I have taught this to others.
Grief is a valley you must walk through.
You cannot side step it, unless you want to walk around the mountain for 40 years.
I have to walk it.
It's a romantic notion to think you can lose this much gracefully.
I'm walking through it screaming, bitching, crying and sighing.
I do love my family.
My daughter.
and you.

My hope is that someday I will be nice again.
My hope is that I don't ruin the testimony of my faith.
My faith has to be real warts and all.
I have a lot of warts right now.


Angela said...

I was just about ready to comment on the Thursday post but decided to scroll up to the top..and was glad. I was going to tell you I think The Daily Scream would be an awesome name. Karen, I love your blog name...Your honesty is NOT a debbie downer to me, but a reality of raw and true emotions that I connected with so much and honestly, ministered to me greatly also.

I've shared with a very few that at times I wish I had a blog where I can just let it all out, or like I call it, verbally vomit....

I love your courage girl...this was fearless and I'm proud of inspires me...

Hon..I'm sad that your struggling this I've said to God many times.."I don't understand this, I don't understand what is going on...."..I know He does...but at times it doesn't take the pain away from us does it?

Love you tons and tons.

Laura~peach~ said...

i totally agree with angela... and somewhere i have a thing... lol a thing... it is the 23rd psalm broken down line by line it is freakin amazing... and so true... must find it and send it to you and ...hugs.

Chris H said...

My best 'saying' in these sort of situations is:

'SHIT HAPPENS'... and if it doesn't kill you... you are lucky.

I lost both my brothers and my Dad in seperate tragic accidents..... and I say "shit happens'... cos it does.... to everyone at some point in our lives.

We live through it, we grow stonger for it.. and we learn many lessons from it.

Shit it is... pain is ruining your life right now... but I believe it is making you a stronger person... without you even knowing it yet.

HANG IN THERE. This is happening for a reason... but you just don't know what it is yet.

love you KD... very much.
So do your family, your cussing will not drive them away!

Kat said...

I know the saying "That which does not kill you makes you stronger" but sometimes you just don't want to have to be any stronger. Enough is enough, right? My mom always said to me, "Some things are worse than death" and watching my dad struggle with Alzheimer's I believe it. But you are fighting. And you are keeping on keeping on, and that is what makes you AWESOME. "All we can do is keep breathing" (i love that song). Just breath in and out all day long. Just keep going. Keep having faith even when you don't want to. Know that God is loving you and always there for you even when it feels like He is not.

I'm trying to think of another creative outlet for you since you can't garden or cook because of the pain. I wonder if you could paint. As in, on a canvas, not on a wall. Or maybe you could paint with your toes? Just trying to make you laugh. Haha. ??? Laughter is good medicine. Watch a lot of comedy shows on tv. No more drama. ;)

I'm a grumpy, miserable, bi#@h to my family sometimes and I don't even have chronic pain. What is my excuse? I'm sure your family understands why you get upset (though no one can truly understand what you are going through) just as I'm sure they know how much you love them.

Hang in there, Karen. You are an amazing woman! Continued prayers for you.

Mental P Mama said...

I had no idea you were in so much agony. Life is not fair. And this is really not fair. I am so glad Jen is there for you. And, you are allowed to cuss. Hugs to you.

farmlady said...

I wish I had something wonderful to say here but I don't. What does one say to such pain? How does one live with pain that brings you to your knees and doesn't go away?
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Life sucks sometimes and you don't deserve this.

Bluebird49 said...

Everyone is right--this just is not fair. And I am certainly not competent enough to tell you how to live your life. You watch whatever shows you want--or read whatever you want--cuss however much you like--scream here whenever you can. I'll still be reading. And I love you.

The word verification--was moning.

Wonder if that was a sign---moaning --is it better than screaming? It takes less effort...