Monday, August 18, 2008

In the Next Room- Mr Hilarious

Can you stand more patient stories? Is it just me? People are so funny. This is why even though I'm getting older and my body really feels it; I just gotta be a nurse. On bad days my standing joke is, "Welcome to Walmart, would you like a cart"? I'm practicing for the only other job I could get. It's just nice to have options.

I know ya'll are curious about my wonderful friend Lucy. The one who leaves all those great comments at your blog sites. She won't post because she is a "READER" not a "WRITER"! So she says;, excuse me, yells!

Lucy was married to a crazy guy named Hal. She used to sing him this little song;

Harold Harold my true love,
Come a swoopin like a dove.

I could entertain you for the rest of my life with Lucy & Hal stories. Hal had cancer. It was some kind of intact tumors that could be cut out, and he lasted forever almost a dozen years. He had mesh in his abdomen to hold his guts in, they had taken so much of it out. He would just walk out of the hospital when he'd had enough. He'd take his own stitches out. He was brilliant and totally crazy. They divorced but stayed friends and whenever he was sick he wanted Lucy. He was tall and thin with wispy fine hair. He lived hard and it showed on him. It didn't help to have cancer, or drink, or do drugs, but he did all that. Lucy married him when they were young and idealistic and he was going to be a marine biologist. Things change.

Last week I had this other patient down the hall from the preacher. He was looney tunes. When I went in to check him he was fully dressed. He had on his blue jeans and a ball cap. He was tall and skinny, really skinny, with wispy fine hair. He was getting ready to be discharged the next day. I asked him how was I supposed to check him today? He responded with, "Do you want to see this pimple on my butt that everybody is so excited about"? I looked away for a minute and when I had turned back he was standing there with his pants pulled down so I could see his butt. It was all I could do not to crack up. "Looks pretty good to me" I said. Well healed anyway. He would go outside and smoke like a chimney and show up when he thought it might be time for him to get some kind of medication. It worked pretty well. As we got to talking he told me he was going to drive himself home. I almost fainted.

This guy was taking 4 doses of vitamin x a day (Xanex), his brain was basically fried. I tried to talk him out of it. No deal, he had his car in the parking lot and he was driving. This is scary. Honestly I see people all the time that should NOT be behind the wheel of a car, ever.

Next day I had this patient again. After swearing all of my family to stay off of the road at such and such time, I discharged this patient. He couldn't figure out how the automatic locks worked to unlock the doors. Help. As he crawled across the seats to pull the locks up by hand I went around and unlocked the car doors for him. He was impressed with my mechanical apptitiude. We did hold his morning dose of vitamin x. It's the least I could do for an unsuspecting society. It was actually all I could do. It's a bad feeling, like putting a baby in a car without a carseat. It happens.

This fella had a load of stuff, he had brought his electic guitar named Lucy, he said BB King's guitar was named Lucille. He had about as much musical ability as driving ability, ouch, ears...FEEDBACK. Mr. Pimple drove away, with promises not to drive 80 miles an hour. Sigh,...then it hit me, he was just like Hal.
I'd go home and call Lcuy and we would share a laugh and reminisce.


Laura ~Peach~ said...

oddly enough the withdrawels from vit X is much worse that the constant dosing... MY MOM... takes more than(8 mg i do believe she is down to) any one human being on the planet that I am aware of and I would murder anyone who withheld her doses LOL (cause I get her flack) of course she does not drive any more but lemmie tell you of one of her last driving stories...she had driven herself to the gamboling boat (about 40 miles) spent the day and half the night blowing money then headed home... her driving was bad enough that the state patrol pulled her over... mom told the officer she has prepherial neuropathy and can not feel her feet (which is true) but what astounded me was HE LET HER DRIVE THE REST THE WAY HOME!!!!!!!!
hugs me I love the old nuts we get to work with!

Chesapeake Bay Woman said...

One of our local doctors here said that the majority of our elderly folks are addicted to valium or xanax. It's pretty scary.

Great story and keep writing about your patients. There really is humor in every day life. Tons of it.

Lucy said...

Hal and I were only married 4 years but since we had grown up together he was like a brother to me after we were divorced. He did become a marine biologist and worked for Scripts Inst. He lived for 24 years after the death sentence of 3 months in 1978. He was not a drug addict or drunk when we were married but became an addict after we were divored and he was dying of cancer. I miss him and like to think he could have had a different life if C had not claimed his body and mind.
He was the funniest most brillant man I have ever known. He also wasn't always thin with wispy hair. When I married him he was 6'2 180n lbs and beautiful. I still remember him like that. Surfing up the coast in Half Moon Bay and also at Pleasure Pt. Tending our land and taking care of our animals and loving me.

Karen Deborah said...

Everybody read Lucy's comment, it's a post!

Debbie in CA : ) said...

Always refreshing to come here for a read. Never know what I may find! My dear friend, you have such a heart for nursing. : )

* * * * * * * * * *

Lucy, your "post" is precious. I keep checking your blog ...

Flea said...

24 years! Wow. I'm so glad you and Lucy have each other. :)

Anonymous said...

OMG that was hilarious. I love all these crazy patient stories, so entertaining.

And 24 years....that is a long time my dear!

Heidi said...

OMG!!!!! I LOVE THIS STUFF! My granny was an RN and she had some whoppers too!! The butt pimple was priceless!!!! We are lucky to have nurses like you in the business my dear friend. :)

Grandma Tillie's Bakery said...

Who needs to make things up--the truth is funnier! I am so glad you are caring for people, it shows that you truly love them.

Flea said...


Kathy said...

I love your nursing stories. I miss your daily blogs. What happened with college? Is your granddaughter enrolled? Has she started yet? Inquiring minds need to know! ;-)