Tuesday, April 8, 2008

We All Struggle

I was trying to think of something to write about and it just wasn't happening. I'm depressed about my job. I probably have messed up one of the best jobs I have ever had. I've also never been in this kind of a mess before and it's not fun. I never was suspended from school. The most trouble I ever was in, required writing sentences, thousands of them. They all said the same thing, " I will not talk in class". Man, you'd think it would work but it didn't. Once the teacher was putting my name on the board and I objected, "but" he said "check", I said "but", he said "check" I continued with this until I had about 6 checks and around 2000 sentences to write. I finally ShUtUp! Brain damage all kids are brain damaged.

My philosophy of people is basically shaped by two profound works, Bill Cosby's "Himself", and Ken Davis's "Super Sheep". Bill Cosby talks about his kids the way families really are with kids, and the way parents really are. It's not as funny now that his son has been killed but if you don't think about that awful detail it's very funny, because it's real.
Ken Davis on the other hand is also funny, but his funny stories are full of deeper truth. Super Sheep is actually something I have kept in my heart. I relate to being a dumb sheep. I can't claim the sheep thing as my, idea it's not. Ken's whole spiel is about being compared to sheep. He grew up around sheep and doesn't like the comparison. Sheep are dumb geeky animals. For example, he says "Ever seen anyone pick a sheep for a mascot?" He puts his arms up with fists and makes little geeky sheep feet motions and says" fleece em fleece em bah bah bah". Like I said it's a riot. We are like sheep, and we are also created in the image of God who is not like a sheep at all.
Another mystery. I identify with the stupid, can't run right, geeky animal part. The image of God part is not so easy. God doesn't mess up ever, I can't do anything right at least some days that's the way I feel. God is all knowing, I can't remember the date or the day of the stinkin week without looking at my cell phone. God forgives, I struggle with grievances, injustice, and kids making bad decisions. God never gives up, and I feel like quiting some of the time. God is faithful, I won't even start on that one. You get the idea.

My friend Kelly wrote a very thought provoking post today about parenting. It made me think. She read parenting books. I bought parenting books and didn't read them. I have one child who hasn't spoken to me in years. My one child has struggled with alcohol and drugs. She blames me for most of her problems. In some ways not speaking is a relief from the litany of blame.
Maybe I did a lousy job. I was a teenage single mom. I didn't have an abortion. I raised my kid warts and all. I made lots of mistakes but I loved her. I gave her too much, and not enough. I read her stories at night and tucked her in with kisses. I cleaned up her barf when she missed the bucket. I changed her bed when she peed in her sheets. I baked cookies. I taught her to make a tuna sandwich. I fixed pancakes that looked like Micky Mouse because she like them.
I also left her alone too much at times. I also had too many boyfriends for a season. I was a wreck in my early twenties, my mom had cancer and died. There was a lot of trauma that is called LiFe! Basically my daughter finds fault with me that I had any faults at all. For some reason that I don't understand she feels she cannot get through her day to day life and have any relationship with me. That ban has extended to her own two daughters who live with me and it grieves them. Where's the parenting book for that one? Who could offer an answer for why a child would turn on not only her mother but her own children? In her messed up thinking she is of course right.

It's not a question any person can answer. Only God knows. I am grateful to leave the whole mess with Him. As long as she is still breathing God has a plan for her. He doesn't ever quit. I know she gave him her heart so there is my glimmer of hope. It's tiny, but it's there. I have wondered if my daughter would even care if I died. I don't know. I always thought I'd be a better mom if I could do it over. Honestly I am pretty much the same. My grands however have a very close walk with God. They have experienced a lot of pain and it has created a very big place in their hearts for God to fill. They have chosen to fill it with God and not boys, sex, or rock and roll. For that I take absolutely no credit whatsoever, it is totally God. He brought them here. He settled them and gave them their church and new friends, a future and a hope. Just exactly as He promised. He kept them, His arm was not too short to save, He wasn't sleeping when I prayed and cried.
He gets the glory. He has done it. I know who I am, I am the geeky can't run right sheep, but I also know who I am with, I am with Him.


Kathy said...

Karen D, First I read your comment over at 'the coffee shop' and you had me giggling. I just can tell you are a great grandmom. Now after reading your post, I feel your parental pain. I agree with you, that all goes best when we give it to the Lord. *hugs*

Karen Deborah said...

that would be a big amen.
hugs back.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful Karen. I love how real you are and I love the fact that you are back in the trenches with your grandgirlies. It's not about how many times we fall so much as it is about how many times we get back up and WHO we are moving toward.

Angela said...

Just wanted to do this for you